If It Hadn't Been For Love
by klcm
Summary: Morgan and Garcia find that having a love for one another can really have a negative effect
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: New story guys, with a lot of major angst issues! I've promised myself, and others, ;), something nice and romantic for the next fic! **

**Now let this adventure begin...**

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope looked at the things lining the wall; she knew she admitted defeat to the world in that moment. What was about to come, she deserved. Whatever pain was about to befall her in the future she wouldn't beg for mercy or give up anything the man wanted. She would take it; endure the foreboding torture until she had one last breath to take.

After all she owed Derek this much for getting him hurt. She owed him for leading him to danger, for making him believe that she hated him for breaking up her and Kevin, when really, when all was said and done, he had done her a favour. Had awoken her senses, and with it, her heart.

He had the note telling him she was sorry, he had the bullet wounds that proved how their life had gotten out of hand and he had the transfer and new home set up in Chicago that needed him more. When he healed, he had the new life perfectly tailor made for him. A life that didn't involve a Penelope Garcia within a 100 mile radius.

After watching Kevin shoot the one man she loved, and watching him look at her, that look in his eyes showed such loss and grief in what they had become, she knew her life was sealed then. The one thing she could do was admit her fate and level out the score.

She just didn't realise that fate would've been dealt so imminently after.

Sensing someone behind her; her body tensed up, her throat became sticky with each new breath and she knew this, the moment about to be delivered, was the beginning of the end for her.

Now, as she felt the man's hand run over her shoulder, she knew her doom wasn't going to be quick and easy. She guessed she had known that the moment she had been taken. Feeling his hand in her hair, Penelope's head was pulled back and the pain from the grip heated her scalp as it rushed through every follicle.

In that moment, she could feel her pulse beating fast in her neck, the blood rushing through her jugular as the skin became tight from the pull back of her head.

"You broke my brother's life, so it's time I broke you," Came the whispered voice in her ear, his breath rank and heated across the side of her face and neck.

She could never have anticipated that there was ever a psychotic gene in the Lynch family.

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	2. Love's Bad Timing

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_So I gave you the prologue... now let's get you lot to that point eh? _

_Thanks for the reviews, alerts and favourites =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Why are you telling me this now?" Penelope asked, her tone quavering with building nerves and emotions, "Why now, when I'm happy?"

Derek laughed, "You're not happy. I know you when you're happy, Pen, and this, right here, right now, isn't happy."

"Then what is it?" Penelope asked him harshly.

"This is a compromise," He told her plainly, "He offered you a break from here, Baby Girl. A farm, freedom, a new life and you stayed here. I love you, am in love with you and I know you feel the same, so just say it."

Penelope bit her lip, "I can't love you after this." She stood then, her hands shaking with nervous energy, "I never thought you would make me choose, Derek. Every time Kevin made me choose I chose you, and it was wrong, but you were always my main choice and he stuck around. That shows he loves me. He made the compromise, not me."

Shaking his head, his stepped in closer, closing in on her personal space, intending to invade it. "You deserve someone special, someone that doesn't compromise, but fights your tenacity, your power. Someone that doesn't back down."

"Someone like you, you mean?" Penelope questioned, somewhat unimpressed.

"Yes, someone like me," He made it almost a growl of a statement than anything else. "You need a man, Penelope. Just see what's out there. See the man that's loved you for seven years and plans to always love you. The one that's always been around."

"I can't," Penelope let him down.

Derek knew she wasn't listening to him, to how his heart sang of her and the mere thought of her riled the butterfly like feeling in his stomach. How she managed to manifest emotions that he didn't know even existed, or ones that he had long ago thought he would never feel.

So he took a step in, pulled her close and running his hands up her neck and into her hair he kissed her, slowly and long, perfect and hot. After a few moments, Penelope relaxed and responded, showing him that maybe, just maybe, this was what she had wanted. He couldn't deny the chemistry and he swear there were fireworks just starting to fly.

"You don't have to worry about choices anymore," Kevin's grated voice came from the doorway, "She's all yours."

Penelope felt grief stricken as Kevin fled her office and she looked at Derek and then pushed him away from her, "Look what you've done! How could you?" She asked rhetorically as she ran after him, "Kevin, please," She said as she caught up with him. She was thankful it was a dead day, she didn't want an audience. "That wasn't what it looked like."

"You know he ruins everything. Ruins our plans, ruins my day and just ruined our relationship. I saw you give in to that kiss, Penelope. I've given you countless times to prove my worth in your life and each time you fail so count this as us done."

"B-but, he kissed me," she tried to defend herself but could feel it failing her, "I told him I was happy with you, Kevin. I told him that it was you I wanted, not him."

"I heard alright, but the moment I saw you give that kiss a little more energy that said more than you had to," Kevin told her, "Actions speak louder than words Penelope, and gee did that kiss scream volumes." He could see Penelope breaking down in front of him, but for once Kevin was feeling somewhat liberated by getting some of this off of his chest. "I am finished with feeling second best, with watching your teasing and his advances. I can't stand the casualness of your relationship with one another, like calling each other the names you do is perfectly normal. You're in a relationship, Penelope, behaviour like that should have never had continued. I should be the one that you want more."

"Kevin," Penelope began to sob.

"I'm sorry, Penelope, I really am. I'm sorry I was never man enough to show you what I want and I will forever regret not showing you that I am the man for you. Morgan always was stuff competition for me to match."

Kevin just walked away then, no more words would make this moment hurt less.

Turning back, Penelope walked towards her office, seeing Derek still there she walked passed him, grabbed the door edge and turned to him, "Leave me alone from now on yeah?"

"Penelope," Derek tried, "Baby Girl, I didn't mean that to happen."

Shaking her head to clear the tears clouding her eyes, Penelope looked at Derek, "And stop with the pet names," she told him and shut the door behind her disheartened. Her heart and mind torn in two at that moment.

Derek stared at the door for a moment before turning and going to his office, his day obviously the worst.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope sat looking around her apartment, Kevin's things missing, her things from his place sitting in a box on the island in the kitchen and she realised that life had never felt quite so bad.

She had no boyfriend and no best friend. Both her confidantes were gone and the one she really wanted was angrier at her. Derek wasn't even letting her calls go to voicemail on their own; he was sending them there each and every time.

In that moment she realised something, in the days of her anger she had slowly come to realise where her dependence lay more. It was never with Kevin, it was always with Derek. For everything, be it flu, migraine, bad case, bad dream, she always ran to Derek first, then to Kevin if she needed him.

Kevin was not a bad guy, he was a used guy and for that she felt bad. She had let her head rule their relationship, rather than her heart. That was why she never could accept the freedom, the new life, it was because her heart yearned to keep Derek, wanted him around forever and always.

Now though, that was all questionable.

Her heart still begged for Derek, her head no longer screamed for Kevin. It was all about Derek.

Now, in the midnight light, she realised one thing.

It was now too late to now decide she was wholeheartedly in love with Derek, and free to take the time to show him.

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	3. Heaviest Of Hearts

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_Hope you like what's to come! No light at the end of the tunnels just yet! Thanks for all the reviews, alerts and favourites as well =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Derek had never anticipated living with a broken heart, and he had never anticipated that Penelope Garcia would be the sole reason for it.

As the days lapsed into weeks and soon months were passing, he felt the feeling only escalate. So much for time healing matters, he thought bitterly.

Leaving that night, he just mindlessly grabbed his things and headed out of the glass doors, making his way to the elevator.

Looking up at the waiting lift, he saw Penelope in there alone and as their eyes met, she moved and held the door. Derek just put his head down and went for the door that led into the stairwell.

Penelope sighed heavily then. He never got in the elevator with her when there were a load of other people, so there was definitely no way he was going to ride with her when it was just her and the four walls. She felt like such a fool in the moments of the door shutting. A fool for even trying, a fool for giving a damn when Derek obviously didn't worry.

She hated how they had become, like they were an estranged couple. She hated the end of cases, where she had no one to confide in. Sure there was Reid, or Emily, hell even Hotch or Rossi would listen but none of them had the same effect Derek carried. Like all the other cases before, she had demons to battle, and she had them to battle on her own.

Tonight of all nights she felt weak, and as the doors closed she gave in. She gave up feeling strong, or feeling like she should hold her head high or that she should be happy and prove that she was living outside of Derek's company. She was done living a lie when it was just wearing her down.

So she wiped the tears away and just let her shoulders slump, let her head fall some.

Derek walked down the stairs, it didn't matter what speed he went, how long he slowed himself, it was like every time he and Penelope left they always crossed paths. He just prayed that today was a different day.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope hurried her steps, allowing herself to get in front of him and just make it to the safety of her car to get home. She wiped her tears away again and then was happy to see her car getting closer.

This was how it always happened; it was either him in front of her or like tonight, the other way. Either way she had to either feel the gap get even greater or watch him walk away. Both had similar effects upon her.

Derek watched the back of Penelope, and he could see how heavily the case had gotten her. Even under the facade of colour and pizzazz, she was hiding her sadness and her eyes held every ounce of it. That was always the one place that held her true feelings and she knew that no one other than him could read them like an open book.

As he watched her get in her car he walked to his on the other side of the car park. He wanted nothing more than to have Penelope back in his life, but he was a stubborn man and nothing would budge that. He refused to feel guilty for letting his true feelings be known, feelings that had only escalated and manifested over the years. He couldn't help the fact he was in love with her. He wouldn't be seen as the bad guy for that reason. What he was a bad guy for, was the timing and the way he did it. Penelope deserved more than a moment and an almost ultimatum.

Sliding into his SUV, he followed Penelope out and as she turned right, he turned left.

His mind still trailing over that day almost three months back when he had finally let his darkest secret and his world turned upside down.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope made it home with a heavy heart and just went and put the bath on, she then went to the freezer and grabbed a simple microwaveable meal and the bottle of vodka she kept stashed in there. Without her best friend, or for the most part her boyfriend, she had to find other ways to help curb the feeling she carried home after a case. After all, she had lost her confidante, the one person that healed her most.

It was moments like this that she felt at her loneliest.

Opening the vodka bottle, she stalled, contemplating the moment and then just took a swig. She needed something to help her sleep, and if it came to it, something to numb her memories to nothing more than a colourful blur. Whichever came first would work for her.

Taking the bottle she went to the bathroom to check on the bath and just closed the door, ignoring everything else in her apartment, food included.

By the time she even made it to bed, still unfed, Penelope was at her lowest. She was worried about sleeping after what she had witnessed on the case, it's sheer brutality. Yet she allowed herself to just fall onto her bed and curl up in the foetal position for yet another night. Praying that tonight would be the night that she would sleep the entire night, without a nightmare.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Watching the punch bag swing violently, Derek took a step back, his breathing racing. He had been working out for hours now and he was now weary and truly ready for bed. If the case wasn't mentally tiring, then avoiding and ignoring anything Penelope based was tiring him out too.

He took his sluggish body up the stairs and just fell into his bed, ignorant of the shower. His mind was too busy with conflicting topics to make commands to have a shower. He just wanted to sleep. Forget about everything for at least a couple of hours.

For the hell of it, he would even welcome a nightmare as long as it wasn't Penelope based. He just needed, almost yearned, for some form of respite from it all. He needed a break from remembering that day, from replaying how his life seemingly stopped working out for him. He just wished there was some way to turn back the time and make everything right.

Derek knew he had to think of the future.

Derek soon found that sleep didn't invade his system. It didn't even matter that his body was tired, that his mind was past working properly from exhaustion, he just couldn't sleep.

So he just lay there and thought about what his life was becoming; the good, the bad, and the damn right ugly.

And to top it all, all he could think of, amongst everything else, was Penelope.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	4. Never Really Knew

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_Sorry for no review replies tonight! I've been a busy bee =) Hope you like, and as always thank you for the reviews, alerts and favourites!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I'm moving to Chicago," He said as he stood in the doorway of her office.

Penelope looked on then, her eyes welling, her heart sinking, "Oh right," She mastered as her response, "When?"

"I've got two weeks left here," He told her gently.

Trying to shake the tears, Penelope looked at him, "So why are you telling me like I'm going to break down?" She asked him outright, her tone escalating, "Is that all you wanted to do? Come here and tell me you were leaving when we haven't spoken in weeks?"

"I just thought you should know," Derek told her and then his face grew dark, "I don't know why I bother with you sometimes, you know that, Penelope?" He near enough spat the words out like venom, "If that's how it's going to be don't bother talking to me when you obviously don't want me to bother. So we'll make it both ways. When I leave here, that's it. I don't want to know what's going on in your life and you don't get to know what's happening in mine." He turned to go and then turned back, "I imagined our goodbye so totally different to this, Garcia, but I guess I never really knew the true you."

Penelope watched him leave and her heart had seemingly stopped beating and jumped into her throat. She quickly stood up; slamming her door shut so that no one would hear her and as she slid down the doorway she let the howls of tears out as they slipped from her lips.

She didn't think she would ever feel pain like she did when her parents died, but seeing Derek walk away and know that that was how they were ending things was even more excruciating than anything. She never got the chance to tell him the truth or to grovel an apology and she knew that Derek would be stubborn when it came to it.

Gaining some composure she picked herself up off of the floor and went after Derek. Knocking on his door, she heard him summon someone in and she put her hand to the door handle and took a deep breath before opening the door.

"Derek," She said quietly, almost ashamed, "I just, I-"

"I thought I made it clear I was done," Derek asked as he refused to look up from the file he was working over, "I'm done, Garcia, completely done."

Penelope flinched, "I know you think you are, but Derek, please. I'm sorry, I li-"

"Save it and do us both a favour. I'm leaving, I'm not sticking around here any longer than I actually need to, so why not save yourself the embarrassment of grovelling and just leave me the hell alone?"

Derek finally looked up then at her, and Penelope cursed herself for letting the tears fall, "I guess this really wasn't the best goodbye," She said and left his office in haste.

The door swung to a close, but he could hear her crying as she ran towards her office just down the corridor and he didn't miss her leaving not even an hour later, her head no longer held high as he had watched her keep it over the last few weeks.

He put his elbows to the desk and ran his hands over his head. He didn't know about Penelope hurting, but he was hurting on his own accord, his heart still feeling like it was in the icy clamp it had been since she told him she didn't love him.

Still he remained unmoved as the day wound to an end, and when he got in his SUV hours later he had no intention of going to her to make amends. However his driving skills went into autopilot and he ended up heading to Penelope's apartment block.

He sat, no longer than twenty minutes later, outside, his engine running idly and he just stared up at her windows, the lights on, the curtains back. He saw her go to window, her expression nothing but despondent and miserable and he caught her looking at him, whether she was looking at him was another question but she was aware of the SUV. Slowly he watched her look down and then pull the curtains closed.

He put his head to the steering wheel and really thought about his rash decision to go back to Chicago. He hadn't even told his mother yet, but he had spoken to Strauss, then to Hotch and then to Penelope. Telling her had been his own use of torture, to see her react to the news, and the reaction he got hadn't been the desired one. Sure he had gotten the sadness and the tears, but he had, selfishly, wanted her to beg for him to stay. When she hadn't he had stormed out and put her at arms length again with a cold shoulder.

When he looked up Penelope was walking towards him and instinctively he got out of the SUV.

"It could be classed as stalking you know?" Penelope said ambiguously, "Sitting outside someone's apartment block when it's getting dark out, just watching."

"I just had to see you," Derek said almost apologetically, "To apologise for my attitude earlier."

She waved him off, "It's fine."

"You know it's not, Penelope," Derek fought back, at that moment raising voices was all that seemed to be accomplished between them lately.

"What do you want Derek? For me to drop to your feet and wrap myself around your leg and beg you not to leave?" She asked him as she crossed her arms over her chest, "You made a decision so live with it."

"Like you lived with your decision?"

He saw that affect her, and he knew she realised that he meant when she turned him down. "Ah so you did come to rub salt in the wounds. Well do it, Derek, I'm wide open to it."

"I never thought we would end up like this, you know that right? I thought what we had was life long." Derek told her, "But I gue-" He stopped as Penelope looked over his shoulder, her stare stuck. He turned to look as Kevin stepped off the sidewalk and walked around the front of Derek's car.

"Kevin?" Penelope asked confused as she pulled her cardigan around herself, "What are you doing here?"

"You ruin everything, Morgan, you know that right?" Kevin asked as he stepped out fully in front of them, "You just always seem to ruin things."

Derek, feeling a little uneasy at Kevin's attitude, stepped more towards Penelope, shielding her some. "Kevi-" Again he didn't have time to respond as Kevin pulled out a gun.

"Oh God," Penelope said as her heart stopped in that very moment, "Kevin, what are you doing with that?" She asked pointing out shakily to the gun raised at Derek before covering her mouth.

"Stopping him from ruining anything else in this life," Kevin spoke so plainly, so emotionless and then pulled the trigger.

Penelope closed her eyes as she jumped at the pop, and again at the next couple of shots that echoed down the street. The noise reverberating off each building. When she opened her eyes she looked down at herself with instinct, but caught a burst of crimson.

Letting out a scream of terror and anguish Penelope dropped to her knees in that moment as Derek lay on his back on the ground, blood seeping from two gunshot wounds, his body almost squirming at the wounds inflicted. In the light, Penelope could swear it was black seeping out, but when she got closer and put her hands to stop the bleed, the red seeped through her fingers.

"Please don't leave me, Derek," Penelope sobbed as she tore her cardigan off and put on one of the bullet wounds, her hand going to another, she begged as he closed his eyes. "Please." She then looked around for Kevin, but he was gone, "Help me! Please!" She screamed out as she felt Derek struggle to keep a hold on his life beneath her hands. "Please!" She finally broke completely and allowed every emotion to spill onto the road around her, her entire being was praying that Derek would survive this and come back to her.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	5. The Only Words I Have

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_Earlier update than usual! Not sure if I'll get another one update tonight, but for now... beware! ;)_

_As always, thanks for the reviews, favourites and alerts!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope had been sitting in the waiting room, her gaze stuck straight forward. Her hands, palm up, on her lap, were still stained with Derek's blood. She had cried some, but long gone was that watershed, now she was just numb, frozen with the events that were on loop in her head.

She just sat allowing the buzz of activity around her bounce off of her.

"Penelope," She heard and slowly looked up, gulping some. "Garcia, are you okay?" Hotch asked as he walked in to come to be in front of her, watching her stand up.

Seeing the team there brought the tears and she quickly wiped the tear away that escaped, "It's not my blood, it's Derek." She said as she caught them looking at the redness of her palms. "He's been in surgery for a good couple of hours."

"Why didn't you call?"

Penelope sighed, "One of the nurses said she would do it, because I was showing signs of shock. I'm fine, it's Derek who isn't."

"What happened?" Hotch quizzed her.

Feeling the guilt rise like bile in her throat, she began to feel nauseous at the mere thought, "Kevin shot him." She blurted out, her tone emotionless, "He shot Derek outside my apartment and then just ran. I tried to save him, bu-but I just couldn't stop the bleeding. Even in the ambulance, it was-"

Rossi stepped in then, helping her sit back down and calm herself, "You don't need to do this alone now, Bella. You have us."

Looking up, Penelope felt protected, "I tried to save him, Dave. I really tried."

"It's okay," He soothed her again.

Penelope shook her head, "It's not. We've barely been able to spend time in a room together lately, and then he's leaving; now he's dying. Kevin wouldn't be in our lives if it wasn't for me."

"Morgan," A stern voice broke out, stopping them from allowing her to play the blame game, "Derek Morgan?"

Hotch turned and approached the tired, worn down looking man, the rest of the team falling into place behind him.

"He's alive, luckily," He told them simply, "We fixed all internal damage and bleeds and he stabilised immediately. He's in the ICU resting right now. He had a lucky escape and he's a strong man. He'll heal in no time." He continued to tell them all and saw their faces relax. "You can see him in a couple of hours when he wakes up."

"Thank you doctor." Hotch told him, and the doctor left to them it.

Penelope broke away from them then, breaking their togetherness. "I need to go home, and clean up. I need-" She paused shakily, "Can someone please text me if anything changes?"

"We will, Garcia," Rossi said reassuringly, and gave her a comforting smile.

As they watched her leave they knew that whatever had happened prior the shooting was having a detrimental effect on the running course of both Penelope's and Derek's life. They just had no idea how much.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Making it home to the confines of her apartment, Penelope felt the memories loom and whiz at high velocity. Each one involved Derek. Her entire life in Quantico had been made priceless, perfect because of Derek, because of his existence, because of his love for her.

Memories that she had felt like to her were all that they were ever going to be. She wasn't going to get any more perfect moments of pure happiness to savour. It was just her now, there was no Morgan and Garcia anymore and that thought killed her a bit more.

Finally letting the tears of anguish and fear of losing him completely fall, Penelope realised that Derek getting shot wasn't all down to Kevin. She had allowed Kevin the path into Derek's life, and to this point. She had paved that herself.

Then she remembered how the day had rolled out, how he was leaving and how he didn't want to speak to her, so she thought of one final goodbye. One where she wouldn't have the chance to openly break down in front of him, one where she could give him the words her mouth wouldn't allow her to verbalise.

Penelope sat and looked around for a notebook. Finding one she quickly grabbed it and just started to write what was racking her mind and crippling her heart to admit.

_Derek,_

_First off, I just wanted to apologise for everything. I have been cruel and unfair to you and look how it resulted; you're in hospital, hurt. I will never forgive myself for allowing Kevin to hurt you in such a way. I will never forget the moment those bullets hit you, that will haunt me every day I live and I guess I deserve that._

_I will not lie to you and say that you going to Chicago is a brilliant idea, because for me it isn't and that's selfish of me to say, but when you love someone you don't want to see them walk out of your life. You never want that, and I guess I did that to you. I forced you to make such a drastic life change. I just hope life there treats you better than this one has. I am not telling you this to make you stay. I am telling you I love you because it is a ghost of what we were, what we could've had and it needed to be said. _

_It is all I have thought about since that day, since you told me, since me and Kevin finished things. I was too late. So the only thing I can do is thank you for saving me from committing to a life that wasn't perfect, that wasn't for me. I thank you for finally opening my eyes and with it my heart. I thank you for the life you gave me before that, and for the life you gave me that day. _

_You might see this as the weak person's way out, but understand that saying this to your face would only cause me to break down and beg you to stay. I don't want you to stay when it's crystal clear that you no longer want to be here. I will respect you and your decisions and as hard as this is for me to say; I support your move back to Chicago and I will standby and pray that your life becomes something beautiful and perfect. After all, that is all I have ever wanted for you – since day one – for you to find a woman that cherishes you and thanks heaven above for having you._

_I wish I had proven to you that that was me; that I cherish you and thank God for giving me you, for making you walk into my life. Every day for the past seven years I woke up with a smile because of you, you kept me alive, you kept my spirits high and you did more for me than any other man in my life – Kevin included. _

_I won't be by the hospital to see you after I drop this off. I won't come by yours to see you and I won't talk to you at work until you leave, and when you do go I won't make contact. Just as you asked of me. _

_Live a truly amazing life, Derek, and please be someone else's Noir Hero because believe me, having that, makes someone's life beyond anything in their wildest dreams. I wish you luck, love, happiness and freedom, Derek and I hope that what I hear on a whim will be full of nothing but that. You're the only person I can think of that truly deserves it. It's been long awaited for you._

_I love you, always have and I guess I always will, and I'm sorry – for everything, for every day we knew each other, and for hurting you in more ways than one. _

_Penelope._

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Walking the corridors hours later, Penelope just approached Derek's ICU room. She had already sweet talked the nurses, just begging for one look at her best friend, just to know. Granted the access, Penelope suddenly felt like her feet were made of stone, making her walk slow and awkward.

Making it to the room, she could hear the familiar beep of a heart monitor, she let a sigh of relief as it rang out regular and normal, rhythmic and soothing. She then went into the room and saw Derek, freezing immediately.

For once he looked weak, broken, fragile and worst of all vulnerable and Penelope felt her heart twist. She had had a hand in putting him there. A doctrine of effects had lead to this moment.

Finally she took the short walk to the bedside.

Looking down at his peaceful face, Penelope was glad she was getting this as a last look. That this moment could well be her last moment with him, without them feeling a degree of hatred and angst to one another.

Bending down, Penelope kissed his lips gently, just taking one last momento.

"I will always love you, Derek. I hope you will see that I never meant for any of this to ever happen." She stood up, pulling the letter out of her bag and placed it on the table, between the jug of water and the cup. "We were never meant to be here like this." She said mournfully, her tone no more than a tearful whisper. Taking his IV bound hand in hers; she kissed his knuckles as the tears fell, one by one wetting his skin, "I miss you." She then put it down, "I guess I always will."

She took one last look at him, a quick glance at the letter, and then she left. Her sobs no longer silenced. She missed Derek opening his eyes for a moment, looking at the door confused before succumbing to his drug induced haze.

Penelope fled the hospital, trying to get rid of every emotion that was attacking her system. However, she couldn't rid herself of the feeling of blame, the guilt she felt for seeing him in that bed, so hurt, so weak. She could no longer hide from the reality of the moment and she wished it was her hurt that karma would come and get her for what had happened to Derek.

Letting the fresh air hit her, Penelope slunk into the shadows for the moment, away from all light, away from anyone that could see her misery and wallowed for a moment.

"Hey Penelope," Came a familiar voice from behind her.

Turning quick, Penelope sensed something wasn't quite right, but she never expected to be over powered by the person, and she never expected that she would let someone take her without so much as a fight but she allowed herself to go with him.

She allowed herself to freely be taken to whatever fate was in store for her.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	6. Force Of Reality

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_So I'm cruel, I know it, but I refuse to feel guilty for it ;) Hope you lot enjoy what's in store! _

_Prologue comes in good here! This is where the story unfolds..._

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"You like my little wall of..." he paused for a moment, keeping his grip on her hair, "treasures?" He finished asking her, his tone slick with glee, with confidence. "I saw you admiring, Penelope."

"You're sick," Penelope ground out against the pain of his hold, her eyes only catching bits of Andrew Lynch's almost demonic glare.

Penelope was thrown against the stone wall to her left then, winded from the impact she tried to gather some bearings before watching him pace.

"One time," He started as he went back and forth, back and forth, "I met you once, on Kevin's birthday and I seriously thought you were one of the good ones. Loyal, loving, a real keeper," He then halted and took a step towards her, his shoulders boxed, his chest pumped, his lips pinched, "But you were nothing but a whore after all." He then went to the wall and pulled off one of the many instruments he had, "I should just use this straight away considering this was made for women like _you_."

"I've not done anything!" She argued back, her fear rivalling her in that moment to fight her way free. Her mind was racing, trying to understand what she had done to deserve anything that life had thrown at her.

"Liars always proclaim freedom first," He waved the mental device, a contraption evident to cause pain and suffering. "The damage I could cause with this."

"But you won't," Penelope hoped as she stood up, using the wall to help her as her legs felt like jelly. She suddenly realised the repercussions of not fighting him, of letting herself get taken in the grief she felt after leaving Derek's hospital room.

"You're right I won't," He said and put the piece down on the side. "So you and Kev, I don't understand how a man came between you two. I would've thought better of you."

"Why am I here exactly?" Penelope asked ignoring him.

Andrew tilted his head to her and smirked, "You really don't know do you?" He continued, "Like I said, you broke my brother, so I'm gonna break you. You just need to confess why it all fell apart. The real reason that is."

"There's nothing to confess," She told him simply.

Ignoring her, Andrew walked the length of the main feature wall, "Now this has to be one of my favourite things I made," Andrew said as he went to the wall and pulled off a metal thin rod with what looked like a triangular point on both end. "Seeing as you don't want to talk it out, I might as well make you suffer for it." He said and went for her, fire burning in his eyes.

Penelope dodged away from his first charge, falling to the floor as she ducked, and as she went to move, she found herself cornered. She closed her eyes, hoping that if she prayed hard enough she might well go back to when life was good. To a time she could tell Derek she loved him, and then sort her love life out with Kevin properly.

Andrew grabbed Penelope and pulled her to her feet. He worked fast, tying her hands behind her back, "You're making this too easy, Penelope."

In that moment, Penelope knew she had given up. The mere thought of going back to change things in the past stopped her yearning to get free suddenly. Derek was still hurt, and she had to live with that.

Throwing her to the floor, Andrew winded her again, this time pain burst through her shoulder as she landed on it awkward and Andrew was on top of her in mere moments after impact. Penelope struggled to stop him the best she could, but when he backed off and stood, looking down at her with malice, she felt a collar like thing around her neck securing the source of the digging of metal into her chest and under her chin.

"Always did wanna try the Heretics Fork on someone, and you were a prime candidate," He crouched down and saw Penelope try to open her mouth some only to wince in pain, "The moment you try to talk the more chance you have of that going up into your mouth or even better; piercing your chest and maybe your _cold_ heart. So maybe just do what you wanna do anyway and don't talk," He advised her, his tone softened and concerned, confusing her as he went. "I bet you're tired, especially after that shooting. Didn't think my little brother had the balls to actually put a bullet in anyone, let alone FBI." Andrew bent down, "Guess he is something to be proud of."

Scared to move, Penelope could only listen to him walk away before taking each step as he went, one heavy booted foot at a time and when all the lights went out, she could only let the tears fall as she wondered how her life had come to be at this point.

Plunged in total darkness, the only thing that answered that question was the day she found out Derek Morgan was in love with her.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Kev, I need a favour," Andrew shouted out as he shut the door that led into the basement.

Kevin looked up at his brother, "I'm not helping you hide her body." Kevin told him as he jumped to conclusions, his stomach clenched, he had listened to Penelope being thrown about for hours, but he wouldn't go get help, he was a wanted man. If he got Penelope help, he wound up in a prison cell and he couldn't live that life. That wasn't a life made for him.

Basically, he was now a convicted coward to go with criminal.

Kevin watched his brother, no longer seeing his role model, but rather someone that wasn't even classed family. The moment he had seen a familiar form dragged to the door, Kevin felt a bit of him slip. He recognised Penelope even if she was bound and had a bag over her head. He had felt his life become even more unbalanced than it already was.

Did he save himself from prison, or did he save Penelope from whatever lay in wait?

Well it certainly wasn't the latter right at that moment.

"No," Andrew said as he sat down opposite him, "She's got stamina I've gotta admit, barely a tear in sight or a beg, I mean I know it's only the beginning, the first few hours of it all but..." He trailed off dreamily as he told his little brother and he grabbed a beer from the fridge. "You owe me, so I want you to get one of your fancy, smancy laptops and get me information on the Mr FBI that loves her. She needs a little boost, and he's our leverage."

"Don't you think you've done enough already?"

Chuckling bitterly, "You always did hold your conscience too high. She made you the rat you are. You're only a wanted man because of her. She's nothing more than collateral damage."

"That I love," Kevin spat out.

"Kev, I love you, you're my brother, but you need to realise that she's not gonna love you. She loves that Morgan dude, that's where her heart lies." Andrew leaned in closer, "I want her broken in half before I put her out of her misery. It's you or her in the end."

Kevin thought about the situation, and relented, "Fine, give me a couple of minutes."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	7. Feisty Torture

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_So no holding breaths of superheroes busting down doors any time soon guys! _

_Thanks for the reviews, alerts and favourites!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope found that she had no concept of time; no light penetrating the room meant that she had no sense of when night fell and when day light set in. It was just her and the four walls, the one wall covered with weapons to cause mass destruction to a body. Some had been used, some hadn't, some she prayed never got closer than they already were.

She had forgotten what fresh air smelt like, what it felt like to eat proper food or drink fresh water, she had forgotten what life felt like on the outside and she knew it couldn't have been that long since she was here.

As she lay curled up on the floor, awaiting Andrew's return, she tried to remember what it felt like to have Derek near, to hear his voice, feel his touch, feel the wrap of his arms around her and she couldn't remember. For the first time since her and Derek's downfall she forgot what it felt like to have him around. After weeks of holding on tightly to those memories she now found that they no longer worked.

Curling up in the corner more she ran her hands through her greasy hair and let out a scream of insanity. She couldn't understand how she could let herself forget the only thing that had kept her going for weeks, the things that helped her sleep.

The door opening flooded the stair way with light and then the over head light flickered on and Penelope squinted, the empowerment of the light in her eyes excruciating and she had to shy away like some wild animal.

Andrew's heavy steps came one by one until he hit the bottom and went towards her. "Nice to see you up," He told her as he went towards her, putting a plate down. He laughed as Penelope looked at it and then looked up at him, bewilderment shining through, "No food I'm afraid," he shrugged. "Well maybe you might get some, but once I understand what Morgan's got that my little brother hasn't."

Penelope just flicked the plate at Andrew, she would endure the same torture at not talking, but she had no answers to the questions he was asking, well not desirable answers.

She didn't even flinch as Andrew went for her.

"Disobedience is not a marriageable trait, Penelope," Andrew said as he again held her hair in his vice like grip. "I've given you countless chances to say what I want to hear, but not once had you've said it." He then dragged her to a steel round tub that he put there the previous night, and then held her over it. "I thought you needed a wash," He said and pulled her up, giving her an indication to get some air in her lungs and then he threw her down into the water, holding her there for a moment before bringing her out for air.

After several rounds he looked at her, intently and smirked. It was as if she wasn't there at that moment. It was as if she had switched off on him and he decided that he was going to awaken her back to her reality sooner rather than later. Plunging her into the murky water repetitively he began to get the desired results.

"I thought of another little thing to spruce this room up," Andrew said as he chucked her down to the stone floor, her breathing heaving after the multiple rounds of being submerged into the water. Her body shivering from its coldness, something she couldn't get used to.

She lay there, just listening to him as she tried to clear the water from her lungs and she couldn't think of anything but these four walls surrounding her.

"Seeing as water torture doesn't even have an effect, I did this," He said grabbed her by the ankle, pulling her towards the wall farthest from the stairs, he then dropped her foot, aggravating the pains in her broken toes. He then grabbed her by one of her wrists, directly on where he had had fun cutting away bits of her skin the day before.

Penelope gritted through the pain, some tears coming to play on her lashes, blurring her vision.

"Take a look," He coached her as he stepped back a little, showing her the display on wall. It was all photos of Derek, some were surveillance type, others were ones from her apartment, cherished moments she had kept hidden away in photo albums or in her bedside table.

Now she sucked in a difficult breath to try and stop the tears, but it failed

"Now some proper fucking emotion!" Andrew taunted her fiercely, "He's doing okay by the way, he's up and about. Looking for a quick exit from that hospital too, even if it has been only three days," He could see something flicker in Penelope and he crouched down, getting closer to her level, "They think you left them, Penelope. That you ran. They think you had something to do with Derek getting shot."

Penelope looked up into his eyes with disbelief, "B-but I didn't," she whispered as she felt her entire life cloud around her, "It was Kevin!" Penelope mustered some strength and tried to stand, leaning on the tub of water to stand in front of Andrew, "Your brother shot him! Not me! You're brother's the murderer!"

Andrew lashed out then, punching Penelope. He felt something give before her body flew the length of the room. He looked down at her as she lay recovering from the punch, her cheek cut.

"You know your loyalties shouldn't lie so heavily with them back there." He then pulled her back towards the tub, "Kevin still loves you."

"I don't love him," Penelope admitted, "Not after all this," she managed before she was plunged into the icy water again, this time though she wasn't pulled up and out to get more air before the following round. She fought with the side of the tub, fought against Andrew's hold on her as air became tight and she swallowed water in her struggle.

Pulling her out he watched her cough and her body retched to get rid of the water, he smirked and mid cough plunged her back down. Not giving her the opportunity to get ready for the intrusion of water.

He could feel her weakening to the water, the coldness chilling her straight through to her bones. Her lungs getting tired from fighting the water forced into them, her mind becoming disillusioned due to the lack of the oxygen.

While she lay on the floor trying to gather some of her bearings back, he kicked her in her stomach, winding her, causing her to curl up in a ball to protect herself.

"Maybe, just maybe, we should get Kevin down here to have some fun," He suggested and heard her whimper of a cry and laughed before leaving her alone again.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Andrew got on the floor where Penelope lay motionless hours later. Her eyes were just a wide stare; her lips parted showing her laboured breathing.

"I thought you were feistier than this, Penelope." He spoke to her, his face flat on the floor like Penelope's and he stared at her. "Why have you given up?"

"I have nothing to live for." She whispered back strained and tears finally fell down her face.

He laughed then, "You've got everything to live for. You have time to find a man that loves you, marry him, have a family, grow old. Someone like Kevin." He continued with a twisted smile, "It's never too late."

"It already is," She whispered to him.

He got on his knees then, manoeuvring closer to her, he just carefully and quickly slipped a strip of wire under her head and pulled up hard, strangulating Penelope in the process. He watched her near enough gurgle and gag against the wire, but she never begged for freedom, sure she tried to get free but it was never more than that. Pulling a little tighter he watched her eyes begin to roll back as the wire dug into her throat, causing deep red blood to ooze out from underneath it.

"Whatcha gonna beg for, Penelope?" He asked as he leant in, getting right up close, "Gonna tell me why you did it? Why you broke my little brother's heart the way you did?"

"N-nev-" Penelope spluttered against the wire, "N-neve-r."

Andrew laughed and then let her go, taking the wire with him, "Fair enough," He told her and stood up, dusting off his jeans, "You know I've got more, Penelope," he then started to walk away, "let's just see how much more you've got shall we?"

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	8. Sound Judgements

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_Okay, moving on a little... don't kill me!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"She's on the run," JJ said, when she came back after hearing what was going on with their team, "Or well that's all we can assume. It's unlike Penelope, but considering the fact that she isn't here, nor at work and no one, and I mean no one, has seen her since the night Derek was shot, we can only assume she's running."

"But from what?" Reid asked, "I mean, given Penelope's normal behaviour to when we get hurt, we can just make the assumption she's just left."

"Well, it either means she's running from the situation of Morgan getting hurt or she's running because of her involvement in it."

The team all looked as Strauss spoke from the doorway.

"We know she has a past of running from things, so what makes you think she's changed?" Strauss continued to question as she walked in, "She has a heavy past with both Agent Morgan and Kevin Lynch and look how it comes together. One's shot, the other was the shooter."

Hotch looked at the epitome of their own personal devil and he could feel the doubt creeping in him; the effect Erin Strauss had on their consciences and awareness was always remarkable. "You can't assume that, Erin. Penelope is an accountable asset to our team; she doesn't run from problems like this. Not anymore. If that were the case she wouldn't have been at the hospital when we arrived the other night."

"Covering bases?" Strauss questioned and she saw the team's expressions, "Look I want this sorted out as much as you do. This case, Agent Morgan's shooting; it's having an effect on the BAU, not just your team. You fail, we all fail."

"No one's failing here, Erin," Rossi chucked in, "We can't assume that that's the reason."

Erin crossed her arms over her chest as she looked at the board in front of her, "Look at the evidence gathered by your team, Dave. She's missing, things of hers are gone, things she would need if she were to run - money, car, the important things. So all I'm saying is that Garcia had something to do with it."

"I'm telling you now, she has nothing to do with this," Derek said as he walked into the room gingerly, his mom behind him.

"Morgan, why are you here?" Hotch asked and looked to Fran before back at Derek, "I think it's wise we got you back."

"You want to throw around assumptions then I wanna be here," Derek said plainly, not offering any other explanation just yet. He just knew he couldn't sit in a bed and wait on news of what was happening. All that he knew about the case was driving him insane already.

Strauss frowned, "From what I heard Agent Morgan, you and Miss Garcia haven't really been on steady terms lately. Maybe you leaving caused her trigger."

Derek's fist flexed in and out of balls, "She didn't do this. You don't know her like I do." He then looked at Hotch, "How can you sit there and think the same thing? You've known Penelope just as long as me, how can you just label her like that?"

"Derek," Hotch started, his tone sympathetic but serious, "The evidence all points to it."

"No," He shook his head, "The evidence doesn't. I was there, yes me and Penelope fell out, and yes I was leaving, but she was terrified when Kevin pulled out that gun and she was the one that begged me not to leave her." He turned to leave the room, his body feeling the stress of the moment already, "Penelope didn't do this."

Rossi watched Derek leave and followed quickly after him.

"Sit," he started, "How can you be so sure she didn't do this?" Rossi asked as he made Derek sit down. He knew making Derek go back to the hospital or go home to rest wouldn't work so he had to make him sit here. "You need to give us hardcore proof for us to believe any of this Derek."

"This," He said as he reached into his back pocket and pulled the now crumpled envelope out of his pocket. He slid it across to Rossi, "She left that by my bed. A nurse said she left crying and that was the last time she was seen. So you read that and tell me if you really think Penelope had a hand in me getting shot by Lynch seeing as you already had her pinned as the UNSUB of this case."

Rossi picked the letter up, opened it and read it to himself, his shoulders slumping in the process. "You need to give this to Hotch," Rossi advised after reading the last word of the pain filled letter. "You do realise we can only assume Lynch has her, right?"

"Right," Derek said as he flexed into the chair uncomfortably. "I don't like her being pinned as the one behind this. She's a victim as far as I'm concerned and I don't have a good feeling about this."

"But her car, her bag, photos... Derek, they're all gone." Rossi argued back gently, "We can only suggest she went back underground again."

"Fine, you do that," Derek said and looked down at the table top in front of him, before looking back up, "But you do not label her the bad guy in all this because she is far from it!"

"I understand," Rossi relented and put the letter back down on the table, sliding it towards Derek, he tapped it, "Keep that safe. I'll tell Hotch."

Derek nodded and then unfolded the letter and read it for the umpteenth time. It didn't matter if he had read it once or twice, or three billion times, the same thing hit him. Over and over he felt like the bullets might have well taken to his heart, piercing it and breaking it entirely. There, in writing, was so much more than just words. There was an apology, not for just shunning his declaration of love, but for everything, for him getting shot, for whatever else she had put him through. She apologised for their entire friendship as if it was damned from the word go. He read how she had finally accepted his devotion and love and how she feared it too late to claim it and she finally told him she would take his one request and not make contact ever again. The major thing that struck out between the lines the most was the heartbreak that each letter was woven with, how much love she had plied into it and all he had wanted at the end even more than ever before, was Penelope.

And he remembered the moment he woke up, feeling as though he wasn't alone. In his haziness he saw the letter, and he could swear he saw a flash of colour, a sway of blonde hair and a familiar sob, and as the drugs took their hold again and lulled him into sleep he saw the letter sitting in front of him, his name displayed on the front in Penelope's curly writing.

Getting back up, he saw his mom sitting in the kitchen area with JJ, and went for the conference room. He noticed that they now had surveillance up from the hospital, in and out. He saw Penelope turn to something living in the shadows and then get dragged, and that was the last they saw, before her car drove out of the exit of the hospital car park.

"I hope you see that and feel bad," Derek spoke lowly, his anger seeping out, his body doing the opposite and sinking into a chair. "I can't believe you would even doubt her like that!" He ground out, "now look at what we've got! She's kidnapped and we have no idea where she is, or who's got her and we don't even know if she's still alive."

Hotch turned to Rossi, his morale low, his confidence knocked, "He's right, Dave, four days is a long time without contact. We know the statistics."

"Maybe so, but we also don't know who's got her, and we can only hope he breaks the norm." Rossi said and then approached Derek, "C'mon, I'm taking you and your mother home."

"I need to be here," Derek argued back.

"No, you need to be in hospital getting the care you need. I know that's not going to happen so I'm going for second best here," He fought with Derek, almost fatherly, "You need to rest up, and decide what's going to happen in your future."

"Well I'm not going now am I? Not hurt and not with Penelope gone."

Rossi helped him stand, "It's time you stopped running and made those options known. If that letter does anything for you it should make your future a bit clearer."

"I'm not making any deadest decisions until I know she's coming home." Derek said and walked towards the door, his hand wrapped around his tender stomach, his mom by his side, Rossi slightly behind. "But it is simple as this, she dies and I leave, she comes home and I stay."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	9. Who's Surviving And Who's Not

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_Sorry for the lack of review replies, I suck, but I've literally had no time lately so just enjoy and I know I am grateful for all reviews, favourites and alerts =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Kevin sat in the confines of the living room; he flicked up through the channels yet again, trying his hardest to ignore what Andrew had come to dub the abomination in the basement. It might have taken coming up six days since that fateful night when he shot Derek and Andrew took Penelope, but now his sanity was wearing thin and his restraint was wearing thinner.

He had sat locked away either listening to Penelope scream out the pain, or whimper at Andrew's will, or worst of all, he had to lay awake at night hearing her cries of anguish, of pain ring out through the silent, still house.

Now as he sat in the darkness of the room, the TV the only light, Andrew asleep in the room at the back of the house and Kevin now found it even more nerve shattering that Penelope had hardly made a sound recently.

Picking himself up Kevin snuck downstairs to investigate what Andrew had made him promise to go look at. Kevin knew as he stepped out onto the small landing just within the door, the stairs spiralling down into the darkness below that he was treading into forbidden territory and what he was going to find wasn't going to be something he liked.

Grabbing the light switch, he pulled it so the bulbs could flicker to life and headed down slowly and lightly, looking out as he went.

He saw Penelope's body laying in the middle of the stained floor, dirty and blooded, her breathing jerky. He rushed to her and slowly watched her eyes open.

"What have I let him do?" He asked himself rhetorically as he pushed some hair out of Penelope's face, hearing her groan in pain. "This is my fault."

"Kev-vin," He heard her breathe and her eyes looked up at him slowly, the look of disbelief filling her gaze. It was then that Penelope began to recoil in horror, getting on her hands and knees to get as far away as possible so she could cower from him. She was sure Andrew had finally sent Kevin to do his worst.

Kevin felt his heart break at seeing Penelope reduced to this. "I'm not going to hurt you," He soothed her as he took a slow step forward; "I'm going to help you."

Penelope looked him in the eyes before collapsing to the floor, her body screaming at her for moving for too much against the inflicted wounds, "No you won't," she doubted, "He's your brother." She then just closed her eyes, trying to mentally soothe herself.

Kevin looked at her and saw her remain still.

It was then that Kevin knew as he left Penelope behind that he had to strike up a plan and he had to do it soon. Thinking about Andrew's routine he knew that his brother left in the morning, going to his job before returning at midday. That gave him a four hour time span to get Penelope out and safe.

He had time to save her before he allowed his life to be dealt over to whatever authorities got him first. Strangely, he hoped it was Derek that got a hold of him, so he could beg and plead misery and tell him the truth to what had happened in the cabin and who was to blame.

If there was one thing Kevin was certain of, it was that he would not let his brother get away with this.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Kevin waited until he was sure Andrew wasn't coming back before he crept back to the basement. He found Penelope asleep this time, her breathing worse than it was and he knew that whatever Andrew had inflicted upon her was now having the right effect wanted.

He got on the floor, "Penelope," He said gently, "Wake up, please, Penelope." He coerced her and slowly she opened her eyes to look at him, "I'm getting you out."

"No," Penelope said and closed her eyes, seemingly giving into sleep.

Kevin knew from the despondency he got last night that this was it, this was going to be Penelope's answer every time, so he took matters into his own hands. He then shook her, waking the pains in order to wake her. He hated himself for it but he needed her awake and the only way to do that was to awaken her to the world of the pain.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," He spoke as if a simple a mantra as he pulled her up, her cries at him to stop were ignored, "I just need you to come with me Penelope."

"Please," She begged, "Just stop."

"I can't," He told her sorrowfully, "I'm so sorry; Penelope, but I can't stop what I've started now." Kevin found that he literally had to do everything for Penelope, right up until she shielded herself from the light bathing through the windows of the cabin. There she found a somewhat new lease of life to her body.

Kevin went to the door. Opening it, he pulled her out, knowing they were now really working against the clock. Standing out there he saw the damage to her body. He looked from wound to wound, and his heart broke. She had burns, gouges, grazes, bruises, every wound angry with soreness and manifesting infections.

Penelope fell against the framework of the porch and looked out at the woods.

"Run," Kevin told her as he stood there, giving her the getaway he thought she wanted, but she just remained in her spot.

Penelope looked away from the winding road out, away from the tree's lining the area, she looked away from the perfection of this place, "I-I have nowhere to go," She told him weakly, "They think it was me. No one wants me now."

"Morgan," He told and he saw her react, he had just inflicted the biggest bit of torture on her. "You have him to go back to."

Penelope shook her head, wishing she hadn't as pain ripped through her head. "He doesn't want me anymore. Haven't you seen that? He didn't even want me to talk to him."

"He was at your apartment that night," Kevin tried to change her mind, "He wanted you back."

Penelope's lip quivered, "No, Kevin. What me and Derek Morgan had, that's all in past. There's nothing that's going to change that fact. I forced him to want to leave, you shot him, and I have to live with the fact that I drove you to do that. I'm a bad guy in this, Kevin, don't you see? If I hadn't have loved you and loved him we wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be on the run and I'd still have my best friend. So, please, just let this be it. Your brother gets me, and you get to stay away from jail."

"Penny, please," Kevin tried.

"It's time to accept our destinies, Kevin. This is who we are meant to be now." Penelope told him as a tear fell down her body, "So your brother can continue to do what he wants, but it's useless, I have nothing to give up for him." She then touched his arm, "We know you won't survive in jail, Kevin. That's not a place for you."

"So you think Morgan can survive without you?" Kevin asked her, his tone somewhat bitter at her resilience to the situation.

"He's done so for months, even survived getting shot." She let her hand fall, her body's natural adrenaline dwindling now, her body weakening under the injuries and infections she was sure were riddling it already. "I'd say he's been doing the best out of all of us."

Accepting her fate, Penelope turned and went back into the cabin, her sobs ringing out in the absence of Andrew. She just slowly walked, dragging her feet, as steadily as she could to the doorway, before trying to assess the best way to get down the stairs without falling. One by one she took each new step, relying heavily on the banister to keep her upright. When she made it to the bottom, she used the wall to guide her to a corner, before she collapsed on herself in floods of tears.

Watching the doorway to the basement, Kevin shut it, making it look like nothing was out of place. He then wrote his brother a quick note, claiming he needed some air and then just ran from the cabin. He knew if he couldn't get Penelope to leave to get help then he had to bring the help to her and he had to do it soon. He knew, from watching her, that she was slowly getting worse and from the state of her physically he knew it wasn't wise to just let any infections manifest any longer.

He had helped prolong her suffering as it was and now he was ending it.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	10. What I Couldn't Do

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Penelope!" He yelled as he ran into the bull pen, knowing that was the only way he was getting the reaction of everyone. Those on the case bringing out their guns; "Don't shoot!" He yelled at them, "You shoot me and you won't know where Penelope is!"

Derek watched Kevin and his heart had sunk. Of course she had been with Kevin. Of course she would run to him.

"M-my brother has her," He spoke up and looked at Derek, "He's been hurting her and keeping me locked away from you lot. I didn't realise how bad it was going to get until he started using me to help him. I tried to get her out, but she's getting too weak. Please, you can have me, I hand myself in, but please do not leave her there with him any longer. Please." He begged them as he fell to his knees, showing his willingness. "He's been using Derek to break her and he's succeeding. Morgan," He said and looked back to the one man that held Penelope's heart, "She's given up because of what I did. She sees it as her fault and gave up the moment Andrew took her.

"She's not begging for freedom, she didn't even take it when I set her free. She can't live without you Derek, she never could. I knew that from day one. It's always you that keeps her going. You are Penelope's life line; it's never been anyone else." Kevin near enough shouted at him, "Don't you see it? She's in love with you and all she's ever been worried about is rejection from you. Friendly or otherwise. Losing you means she loses her life, Derek. She never hated you for breaking us up, she was thankful once the shock had gone, by then it was too late. I shot you to buy her time; I didn't expect it to get this out of hand!"

Agents swooped in then, handcuffing him.

"I needed a way to stop you from leaving, Derek!" He said as he brought up to his feet. "You never saw her after you told her you were leaving, I saw it. I've been watching. She sat in that office just crying when you told her you were leaving, that you were getting a better life away from her. You never saw that woman break and the worse thing is, is that Andrew, my brother, he's trying to break her after she broke me. The problem is, he can't break what's already broken."

Derek took then, a hand wrapping around his waist to hug himself. He was shaking, "How can I trust you?"

Kevin looked down, thankful for the blood stains on him, "That's Penelope's." He looked up at Derek, wide eyed, "She told me she had nothing to come back to, when I said you, that she had to come back to you, it was like I had to inflicted the worse piece of torture possible. It didn't matter what Andrew had done to her, however many times he had put a naked flame to her skin, or stabbed her, or even tried to drown her, it didn't matter. Using you is her biggest torture instrument."

"Me?" Derek asked as he stepped closer, trying to keep his emotions under wraps. "I don't understand, we've barely spoken to one another in coming up weeks, months even. I don't get why I have such an effect."

Kevin could see the disbelief still riddling the room, "Do you know how many times she mumbles your name in her sleep? Or how often she shouts for you when she wakes up from nightmares? How many times she cries with worry when you're on a case and nearly hurt or worse?" Kevin watched Derek shake his head, "You never saw how much you're in her veins, how far in love she is with you. You just always went with the model like women and made Penelope's self doubt tripled every time."

"But I do love her," Derek admitted, he couldn't lie anymore. He had loved Penelope since before time and the last couple of weeks had been crippling and then him getting shot just made his realisation define sharply. He just assumed she never wanted him.

"Then you need to save her," Kevin responded sadly, "It has to be you, Derek, or she isn't going to come out alive."

"Your brother," Derek asked him, "How does he come into this?"

Kevin's shoulders slumped, his back aching from his hands cuffed arms behind him, "Andrew Lynch, medieval fanatic since a young age. We assumed he'd out grown that. He got me and looked after me just after Penelope and then kept me hidden in his cabin after I shot you and then that night he turned up with Penelope. Told me to either keep quiet or I was going to the cop shop. Fear shut me up, that combined with my own hate for Penelope. He's love of medieval never left, but manifested. The basement's full of home-made replicated old torture weapons." The team took in Kevin's saddened look, "There are only so many times you can turn over and ignore the screams of pain for a woman you loved."

With that Derek had catapulted himself towards Kevin, his face in his. His anger letting loose at last.

"Where is she?"He spat, "Where is Penelope?" Kevin didn't hesitate to hand over an address, "Don't expect to see your brother in one piece after this, Lynch."

Kevin laughed bitterly, "I expect nothing less than dead, Morgan." Kevin told him, "The basement is booby trapped. There's a trip wire just in the door, you'll miss it if you charge in, you do that and several guns will go off, one _will _get Penelope. Don't touch anything on the wall, some are the real deal, others are fakes, they're replicas, decoys that will trigger the room to go up in flames locking the door out behind you."

"Anything else?" Derek asked, his teeth gritting together.

"Love her right," Kevin said calmly, "Love her like I never could." He stared into Derek's eyes, burning into his soul. "Don't take that job. You do that and Penelope will do anything to not see another day with the blame that she pushed you into leaving."

Derek's heart was racing in that moment. He knew he couldn't leave now, he knew it was going to be hard, and it only got harder when they found out Penelope had been taken, but now the thought of leaving was excruciating and damning and the last thing on his mind was leaving Penelope.

"She blames herself for all of this. She blames herself for you getting shot the most, but it was never her fault, never. She loves you Morgan and that's all you need to know. That woman values your life more than her own. She should never feel guilty for that."

"I wish this had turned out differently Kevin," Derek said solemnly, "I wish this hadn't gotten so out of control."

"I shot you, I deserve this, but Penelope and you deserve one another." He said and smile a little bitter sweetly. "Have a nice life Morgan." He told him, "Go to her."

"What if it's too late?" Derek fretted, "What if we wasted too much time."

"He won't kill her outright; he wants her to beg for her life, he wants her to say she loves me. He's not going to get that because her life ended the moment she saw you take the bullets from_ my_ gun." Kevin answered Derek's woes, "She doesn't have a life to beg for when it's here with you."

Derek gave Kevin a faint smile of gratitude, but he was not going to offer him more. All he owed Kevin was the address they had to go to.

"Morgan, maybe you should sit this one out," Rossi coached, worrying about Derek and his own injuries.

"You heard him, Rossi, it's me she needs." Derek said as he pushed through and followed the team, "I'm the one to save her this time."

As he stood in the elevator, he turned and saw Kevin, the now fully defeated man, being led away for his own doom.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	11. My Only Apology

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_Thanks as always =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Storming the house, Derek let the team go in first; he was slowed down by his injuries and he had to allow it to be safe before he did anything crazy. He watched the team and the SWAT smash the door in, almost taking it off at the hinges, and disappear into the darkened cabin.

He followed slowly, his main aim to find the basement.

"It's empty!" He heard Hotch yell out and he then made his way towards the basement door.

He remembered Kevin's words and opened the door slowly. The light down the stairs was dim but he could just make out the trip wire, so he carefully stepped over it and then pointed down at it as he was followed. He slowly made his way down the stairs, each step creaking below his weight. The only noise he could hear was the heavy boots following him.

The deafening silence almost eerie.

It didn't take long for his eyes to notice Penelope laying on the floor, her body almost crumpled up in a heap where she had evidently last fallen. He could pick up her breathing as he got closer, and as he dropped to his knees slowly he could almost hear the raggedness of each new breath.

He didn't waste time to be in front of her, and his heart skipped a beat when he saw her eyes open, staring forward, her body unmoving, her face dirtied with blood and mud and tears.

"Are you real?" Penelope asked in a small voice, her breathing the heaviest it had been ever. She didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore and the last thing she wanted was to imagine Derek here for it to be another illusion, "Please be real."

"I'm real, Baby Girl," Derek said as he lay on the floor with her, he moved a hand over her cheek and felt her shaking, he then heard her whimper and he felt his heart clench. "I'm so sorry, sorry for everything."

"You didn't ask to be shot," She told him lowly, her eyes closing against the pain.

Derek looked up, "Where are the medics?" He asked Hotch and saw him leave to hurry up help; he then turned his attention back to Penelope. "I could've fought harder for you, Pen. You're my life, the woman I want it all with and I thought you didn't want that. I thought you just looked at me as a friend, a brother even."

Penelope breathed a painful laugh. "A brother?" she asked him. "That's laughable." Penelope continued, she had no energy in her entire body to move anymore, not that she wanted to anymore, she was in pain, immense pain and she just wanted to lay there until it all disappeared. "The fantasies I've had about you..."

Derek laughed, albeit a nervous laugh, just from that comment alone he believed that they could survive this. "We're going to get you out, Princess. You're coming home."

"Don't take me home if you're leaving," She pleaded and the tears started, "I can't live there if you're going back to Chicago. It's been hard enough seeing but not hearing you." She began to sob against the floor, her body shaking, her breathing worsening, the pains and cries became one. "I don't want you guilt tripped into staying, if going is what you need to do then go and be free." She said as she shifted her hand slowly to his, slicing her fingers into the gap in his, "I just want you to be happy, Derek." She continued to cry, "Happy and free." She whispered in the cries, "Not hurt and alone."

"When I'm with you I am happy and free, I'm not hurt or alone when I have you." He told her as he leaned in closer, wiping away the tears gently, careful not to cause her more pain.

"I got you shot."

Derek shook his head, "No, Kevin shot me. You didn't do anything."

"If I hadn't have loved you," She breathed heavily, and then looked up at him, "I'm scared, Derek." She finally admitted aloud. "I'm so scared."

Derek could see her body slowly closing down before him, he knew he needed to keep her alert, keep her with him, but even without seeing the real damage, he knew that whatever Penelope had endured was more terrifying than anyone wanted to believe.

"You going to stay talking to me?" He asked her, "There's so much we have to talk about, Baby."

"It's getting hard," She whispered back in a heavy breath. "Th-The letter," She started slowly, "That says everything I regret never telling you. If it's too late, that's my only apology and explanation I can give to you." Penelope told him, scared that her breaths on this earth were truly limited now, that once she closed her eyes she wouldn't wake up again. "I'm so, so sorry."

"I forgive you," Derek said as a tear ran down his face, "I've read it, and I've been looking for you. I need you in my life Penelope, I want everything you want. I want that future, but I need you to promise that you aren't going to leave me." He begged her, "You said you can't survive if I leave for Chicago, well I can't survive if you leave me full stop."

"Is that my reason to come back?" Penelope him, her eyes weakly holding his gaze, "Because I honestly thought I had no reason."

"You've always had a reason, Baby Girl," He said as the medics ran down the stairs, "You have me to come back to." He comforted her with confidence and then was separated from her.

"Derek!" Penelope panicked as Hotch and Rossi pulled him from the floor away from her, "Derek! Don't leave me." She stretched her hand out a little more, her sobs echoing in the basement and she closed her eyes as the medics began to inspect her, "Please."

"I'm here," Derek said breaking free of the hold Hotch and Rossi held on him and he fell back onto the floor, ignorant of his wounds screaming against the movement, Penelope needed him and he'd endure the pain to be with her.

It was then that he understood why she did this. That she took the pain because she loved Derek so much and she felt this was her fault. He was taking the pain because he felt he played a role in her ending up here, in this state.

In her pleads for him not to leave her, he was sure that that wasn't just about abandonment in the moment before, but of life itself. He knew that Penelope didn't want him to leave her full stop.

"I'm not leaving you, Baby, I'm sticking right here." He said as he sat by her head, "I'm here," He whispered to her, bending, even against the screams of his body, to kiss her.

Penelope felt lost in that moment, she didn't know if being helped was a good or bad thing. It had felt like a lifetime since she had had any hope of help and now it was here she realised it didn't feel real. Feeling her neck stiffen she began to panic; memories from what Andrew had done coming at her thick and fast.

"Shh, P, they're just putting a collar on you. They're just helping," Derek soothed her and he stepped right in as her pillar of support, proving that she was keeping him. He could hear the EMT's talking instructions between them, hear them talking to Penelope as they slowly turned her, but all he was consumed with was the screams and cries that Penelope let out as they moved her. However gentle it was, it was still causing a whole new world of pain.

He noticed the stains of blood all over her tattered clothes, the little pool underneath her and he wondered just how long she had been bleeding out and what type of predicament this resulted in for her recovery. He then was plunged into absolute panic as he wondered just what they were up against.

He saw the wounds inflicted on her body, the new and the old, the slips of blood descending from them. He saw the damage that was finally taking her life with each new ebb. He now felt his anger boil at what Penelope had suffered at the hands of a mad man.

The man that had ran.

His attention kept changing, from watching Penelope battle with life, to what the medics were doing and he couldn't even begin to calculate what was waiting for them once Penelope was at the hospital.

"I'm riding with her," He demanded as the medics got her ready to leave.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	12. Near And Far

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Derek was led into a room, and he was amazed as each floor of the hospital seemed to be near enough identical apart from the colour of the walls. The set out was similar, the smell remained a constant and if he thought hard enough he could almost think he was being led to his hospital room he had escaped from only days earlier.

"You can't stay in here for long, I'm afraid, hospital rules" The doctor said as she went over and checked Penelope over, she sensed Derek's wariness. "She's riddled with infections at the moment and we need to limit the amount of bacteria that comes in and out of the room for a bit." She looked at Derek and gave him a kind smile, "You've washed your hands, you can go and hold her hand for a bit."

Nodding, Derek remained unmoved, "Is she going to be okay?" Derek asked as he looked down at Penelope's pale face, her almost white lips slightly opened to allow the ventilator to breathe for her.

The doctor shook her head and shrugged, "It's hard to tell right now. I mean this early on in the prognosis. Luckily, there were no head injuries that we'd need to battle against, but there was excessive water in her lungs which has brought on a severe case of pneumonia, plus the septicaemia that was setting in on the open wounds. She was lucky she got found when she did, if she was left any longer, organ failure would've have been pretty much conclusive."

Derek's body shook, "Organ failure?" He asked, not remembering that being in the running list of things they were told in the waiting room, but then again there wasn't a lot he remembered.

"Septicaemia is basically poisoning of the blood. Once it sets in it attacks organs, be it lungs, kidney, heart, even tissues, it'll take whatever it can get," The doctor started to tell him, "She arrived here on the verge of sepsis, her kidneys showing the mild effect already," she paused to look at Derek, "She's on the relevant intravenous fluids and antibiotics, and we're confident she'll beat this."

"What about the wounds?" He asked shakily, as he pointed to her left arm as it lay bandaged.

"She'll have scarring; we did what we could with skin grafting on the larger wounds. The smaller ones should heal fine once they're cleared of infections."

"I was hoping she wouldn't be scarred," Derek fretted, hoping that if they could just minimise the physical damage then maybe the psychological damage wouldn't be quite so bad. "Is it really that bad?" He asked as his attention left Penelope's still fragile form and went to look at the doctor.

"Whoever did this had a hay day. Broken toes, couple of broken fingers; a near dislocated shoulder; stab like wounds up and down her torso; burns; signs of strangulation; signs of drowning. There's signs of hypoxia from the oxygen she was deprived of, but she's on a good deal of oxygen now to help with that." She looked at Derek, and smiled, "The good news I can offer you is that she is breathing above the vent, which is promising," She then moved onto Penelope's other side, "And her pain receptors are reacting amazingly."

"Pain receptors?" He asked, still remaining at the end of the bed.

"I'll show you," She said and put her hand in a ball and pushed her knuckles into Penelope's chest, gaining a physical response. "We'd be more worried if she just remained still."

Derek couldn't help but hold a wince as he watched Penelope flinch, even unconscious she was still able to feel pain and that worried him, "That can't be good."

The doctor smiled at his concern, "It's a brilliant thing actually. We'll keep Penelope like this until we're convinced the infection's not too severe and her lungs are clearer, and while we're reducing the sedative, she'll wake up at intervals. By then she might want a friendly face around."

"She'll wake up with that... the tube in?" He asked, feeling uncomfortable now with the beginnings of Penelope's recovery. The last thing he wanted was to see Penelope in any more pain that was already evident to occur. "Will she be in any discomfort?"

"She'll be able to breathe around it a little, that won't be quite so bad, but when she shows more breathing of her own, we'll take the tube out before it becomes too much of a discomfort for her." She checked over the machines and grabbing Penelope's chart from the end of the bed so she could do her job, "Her recovery will take a while, and there's no guarantee when she'll be out of here, but we can only optimise that it'll be an easy recovery." Looking up, she frowned, "Are you okay?" She asked noticing Derek's paling face.

Backing up, Derek didn't feel too good, his stomach cramping on him. "I'v-I've gott-" he didn't get to finish as his legs gave out and he collapsed on the floor, pulling his hand away from the wetness he realised he must have split his stitches at some point during the rescue and waiting.

"Sir," The doctor said as she jumped into action, calling for assistance, "You're bleeding," she pointed out, "Were you hurt?"

"I was shot nearly a week ago," Derek said weakly as he gritted his teeth as he lifted his shirt up, before taking away the blood soaked bandage. "I just need a clean gauze on it," he said, but knew it was worse than when he realised he'd need more than just a new bandage on it. "I'm fine," he batted off the attention.

"Far from it," The doctor said, her profession shining through, "I need a gurney here now!" She called out.

"No, no gurney, I just need help up. I'm fine." Derek tried to stand but found he was pushed back down. "Look, my family have had enough of medical emergencies. I don't want to be another one again."

"Look, if you don't get that treated and stitched back up then you'll end up like Penelope, and I bet she wouldn't even want that."

Derek looked over the doctor's shoulders at Penelope, at the monitor beeping away slowly, the sound of the pump to the ventilator. He had to get stronger to be able to give her any source of help when she was on the mend.

He gave in then, "Just no gurney," He said feebly, as he brought a hand up to his head.

The doctor stood up then, "No gurney, but I'm not holding out on the wheelchair." She said as she helped him up.

"Deal," Derek said as he stood up weakly, grunting from the fresh pain before being lead to a wheelchair that an orderly had, "You're a trauma doctor, can't you just treat this here?" He looked at passed and at Penelope, "I don't want to be too far."

"This isn't an ED, this is surgical ICU," she started and saw Derek's look, one that rarely looked so emotionally pained, "I'll get a nurse to find a side room quickly, but understand we're holding the controls of Penelope's condition for the most part and this isn't going to change."

"I know," He lied, because really he had no clue what they had control of and he was quite certain even hospitals didn't know either.

"There's room 408 ready for you, Dr Gordan," A young nurse alerted her quickly.

The doctor smiled, excused the orderlies, "I've got it from here guys, thanks," She said as she took the brakes off and took Derek down to the room allocated.

Derek found himself in a new room, laying on a bed, his stomach in the open, showing the damage that looking after and soothing Penelope's anxieties had done to him. The thing was he knew he would take it all again just to understand even an ounce of Penelope's pain.

The doctor came in, and wordless set to work, "She's something special to you isn't she?" She asked as she cleaned up Derek's stomach.

Derek smiled, "That obvious?" He asked her, and watched her nod her head, "I wish I had shown her sooner though."

"I'm sure she knows," The doctor said as she assessed the damage, "I'll give you a quick injection to numb it and then I'll stitch it and you'll be good as new."

"Well almost," Derek mumbled and the silence settled between the pair of them.

Finishing up, she looked at up and smile, "You're done, but I really advise you go home and rest. That wasn't a little bit of damage you have there. I promise I'll keep you in the loop with any change." She vowed to him, and then took her gloves off and threw them away, satisfied that Derek had listened to her advice. "Names Katherine, but call me Kat. I'm guessing we'll see a lot of each other," She said as she left Derek to put his top back on and see Penelope one more time for tonight before making him go home for the night.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	13. Seeing The Future

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

As the next day passed, and the third day lapsed in, Derek's worry began to manifest that Penelope was never going to wake up. It was with each new visit that things seem to get dire - the infections spread, she got a chest infection which resulted the already severe pneumonia getting worse, her kidneys worsened as her lungs did.

Then, as he entered that morning, his mind ready for whatever bad news was to be bestowed upon him, he saw Kat smiling as he approached Penelope's room, "She's better today, we've started to reduce the sedative."

"Just like that?" He asked, his tone showing his sceptic view of this situation.

"Just like that, it's seems the antibiotics are finally helping fight the infections in her body. Give it a few more hours, maybe a day, but she should start coming to."

When he walked into the room, he noticed nothing had changed. Penelope still lay in the middle of the bed, calm and peaceful, the monitors and machines still buzzed around and she still had her eyes closed. The optimism the doctor had instilled in him slowly transpired back into pessimism but he knew he had to wait just a little bit longer.

Sitting down he began to speak to her as he had, sending out a silent prayer within his repeated mantra to will her awake.

"It's your favourite kind of day today, Baby. Sunny with that real light breeze, the one that you say always keeps you refreshed. Walking across the car park I wished you were there, just to take in the new day." He spoke gently and calmly, "It's stupid how something like weather can make me think of you so much, or how your complaints about hospital food when you was shot were proved right," He laughed a little, "It's amazing how I sit here and look at you and I can't think of a more beautiful sight in this world," he paused then, "Maybe you being awake would make this better." Derek looked for a reaction but saw none, "I guess I can wait, Baby Girl."

So he did, he waited and it was in the first moments of seeing Penelope's eyes open briefly and close that Derek asked for a piece of paper and a pen, if there was one thing he knew to do, it was that he was going to write a letter out and repay the gesture that Penelope had bestowed upon him in the moments of him waking up.

Sitting down, he looked at his muse and then set to work, writing everything that he had kept in check and under wraps.

_Penelope, _

_We really became something didn't we? Lost in the corruption of that one day, and now look where we are. Both hurt, both doubting, both left wondering if we'll ever have a second chance. _

_I've sat here for three days watching you, wondering, praying that you could just open your eyes. Finding you in that cabin was the last thing I expected and I didn't even think you would be as bad as you were and the problem is reality took a terrifying twist. Everything became real, me getting shot finally hit me, you being kidnapped and hurt finally became real and I can't handle a reality where you don't exist, Penelope. _

_I need you to open your eyes so we can get another chance, Penelope. I need you to wake up and give me the chance to demand that you don't get any other choice but to love me, because you do not get to write a letter like that, tell me how much you love me, and then walk away. I can't allow that to happen and I won't give you the chance to do that. _

_I've missed you, Baby Girl. Life without you has never quite been so empty and lifeless. Trying to keep my distance from you has been the biggest killer ever. I thought you hated me for what happened between you and Kevin. I'm sorry for that day, for breaking you two up, for destroying your smile. I regret ever doing that. I guess the love I felt for you just overpowered me and I just had to tell you, I just had to finally say it and I admit, my timing was wrong and for it I feel the repercussions._

_I do regret telling you I love you, because instead of me getting a new chance with you, I lost you. I never wanted that, I only wanted you, Penelope. I need you to understand that when I imagine any kind of settled future, it's only you that I see it with. No other woman makes me want a future with kids and a wife, no one but you. We both always gravitate back to one another, and I guess that's what drove me to tell you when I did. It didn't matter that you had Kevin at home, you were always there for me, always showing me your own form of love and I took advantage of that. I assumed you were thinking the same thing as me when I was, but as always bad timing happened._

_I'm sorry I made you feel like I hated you; I never wanted that because I never hated you; I hated what had come between us. I hated that we no longer spoke, that we were rude to one another, that we acted like we did, that we couldn't stand each other. I hate arguing with you but it seemed to be the easiest thing at the time, even though now it just made matters worse. I regret that._

_No, I can't go and live a truly amazing life in Chicago when I need you to finalise that. I can't live in the same state and not talk to you, so I was crazy to ever think I could live in another state and not talk to you. When every day my thoughts would be consumed with you. I'd be left wondering how you were coping, how you were holding up, I would want to know. I would want to hear you, and God, Baby, I've missed holding you so much. _

_I've missed you so much and memories only last for so long before they fizzle and die. I need the real deal for now and forever._

_I will show you everyday how much I love you and I will forever make up for the time we wasted between us._

_Just come back to me, Baby Girl. Please._

_Derek_

Derek watched again as Penelope's eyes moved under their lids before opening some and just staring, her gaze nowhere in particular, just up at the ceiling.

Except this time, she looked at him, and her hand moved ever so barely to the right towards him and he just took it in his and held it. Held it like it were the sun itself, in fear of burning out, hoping his grasp would help it keep its strength.

He smiled as he finally put the letter on the table at the end of the bed, positioning it identical to how Penelope had put his. He then just sat down, took her hand in his again and waited as she fell back to sleep.

Derek sat and watched her sleep, and slowly began to doze until footsteps outside woke him up entirely. He looked to see the doctor coming in.

"One more check," She said gently and went to inspect Penelope, Derek standing to take a step back, "Has she opened her eyes a lot?" She asked and looked to wait for an answer but only got a nod of the head. Kat carried on her work, instructing nurses before stilling, "Derek, it might be wise for you leave the room for a moment. Go and get a drink or some fresh air, by the time you come back Penelope should be off the vent."

Derek didn't get to say a word, the moment he wanted was upon him and he was stunned. A nurse led him out as the door was shut behind him and he found he did need air or he would find himself barging into the room, but even then it got hard. As soon as he was outside, he needed to go back. Derek rushed back to find the room empty of doctors and nurses and he saw Penelope breathing entirely on her own.

"Her vocals will be weak for the next 24 hours or so, and she'll be exceedingly tired, but I'd say we're finally getting closer to leaving those woods," Kat told him with confidence as she stood writing on a chart at the nurse's station, "Go into her, let her know she has you here."

Walking in, Derek felt the nerves always spring up on him. He was more anxious now than ever, just the mere thought of her properly waking up t him made this moment even more monumental. He felt like there was so much riding on this.

As soon as he approached the door he found Penelope awoken to his presence, at first there was the fear, but then he noticed her relax and a tired smile spread across her lips and sleep invaded her system again.

"I'm here," He finally spoke softly and kissed her forehead, "I'm gonna be here, Baby Girl." He promised and wiped the tear that fell down her face as she closed her eyes.

He didn't lie, he had no else to go now. Not now his future was finally in front of him.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	14. Getting Us Here

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_Quick fly by update... thanks for the amazing reviews, enjoy! =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"It's good to see you awake," Kat said as she came into the room to do her morning check. She smiled as she picked up the chart at the end of the bed and got a pen out of her pocket. "How are you feeling?" She asked casually and didn't look up until Penelope remained unresponsive. Looking up she saw Penelope just watching the door, staring intently at what was going on outside, her eyes wide with fear as though waiting for someone to come in.

Kat just moved and shut the door, but the moment she did Penelope's heart rate became erratic and her breathing became raced. Opening the door she watched it level out.

Trying to calm herself, Penelope felt at a loose end. She was convinced that Andrew would burst in at any given moment, or Kevin for that matter. She knew it was irrational, but she couldn't help it and the moment the door was closed, she felt trapped, like she had been in the basement.

"He's not here," Kat said as she left the door open and went back to checking Penelope's obs. "You're safe here now," she continued soothingly, "and Derek, he'll be here soon. Maybe you'd rather speak to him?"

Penelope just nodded, even though she wasn't sure she wanted to speak to anyone. She just wanted to forget about what had happened, she wanted nothing more than to just blitz those memories from her brain. She thought if she remained quiet on what had happened, then people wouldn't bother to ask her and she would be free of reliving it. She didn't want to tell them everything Andrew had done and she certainly didn't want to go through it all again in her head.

Mentally surveying herself, Penelope ignored the doctor and thought about every wound she had on her body and she could feel the morphine numbed ebb of pain electrifying her nerve endings and she could feel something wasn't quite right with the way her chest felt heavy and sticky to breathe. It was also hard to ignore how exhausted she was when she hadn't done a thing and she knew that whatever Andrew had done was having more of an effect than what he had intended.

"I think until then, maybe you should finally read this," Kat said passing the letter over after watching Penelope's gaze latch on to it. Handing Penelope the letter she smiled some and left, so Penelope could have some privacy.

Shakily Penelope opened the letter up, still not having uttered a word or made a sound and just began to read. Within seconds the tears were pouring heavily down her cheeks. She didn't know if her morale and mental status gave her the right frame of mind for reading such a thing. Clarity wasn't what she was feeling, because all she really wanted for Derek was the best and she didn't know if she was now the one to truly offer her that.

Of course, she felt the love from his words, his own apology much like hers and she saw a future forming, but Andrew had killed her optimism, and her hope and she didn't want to destroy whatever Derek and her had coming back before it began. She didn't want to break Derek full stop.

So she folded the letter up ready to place it back where it originally was. She'd see how she felt when Derek came here seeing as the doctor made it seem like he was here like clockwork.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Derek walked into the room, apprehensive to what he was going to find, and as always, he found Penelope asleep, the letter seemingly unmoved. As he got closer to the bed, Penelope opened her eyes to look at him.

"Hey Baby Girl," he said as he bent and gave her kiss on her forehead, gently and loving all in one. "How you feeling?"

Penelope looked him in the eyes and shrugged a little, still not wanting to speak.

Frowning, Derek sat on the side of the bed gently, "Not up for talking much?"

Penelope shook her head, "Not really."

"I can wait," He said as he slipped off the bed and onto the chair by her bedside. It wasn't a lie, he could wait, but it didn't stop the hurt that the first words he heard off her in a while were negative and showed how she was closing off.

Derek just sat with Penelope, allowing the silence to remain settled between them. He was in his own world, acutely aware that his mom and JJ were just outside, and that Penelope's eyes were stuck firmly on the door.

Penelope looked out at Fran, someone she had come to love. She then looked at Derek, "Derek," She croaked, her voice conflicting against her. She watched him look up at her shocked, she'd barely spoken since she had woken up, "Your mom deserves you back in Chicago." She said simply and smiled, "She needs her son back, more than anyone else, she _needs_ you."

"I can't leave you," He said in a low tone, getting up on the bed gingerly, "I love you too much."

"Look where our love got us," She told him weakly, "It's the best move for you," She told him as a tear fell, "It's what you wanted to do. You've always wanted to go home. So go back to where you belong."

"I can't," He replied, "Not without you I can't."

"You were going to go without me," She spoke so lowly with the oncoming tears that she could feel her reserve disappearing. "Maybe that's how our lives were meant to be."

Derek shook his head, "No!"He said angrily, "That is not how our lives are supposed to be. I found you on that floor and my life made sense. In that one moment of watching you struggle on the floor, after everything, I knew if there was one thing I was going to do in my life, it was that I was going to be doing it with you by my side. So, no, Pen, you do not get to do that. Not now, not after everything. You do not get to make decisions like that."

"I'm sorry," She whispered as she put her hand out weakly, "I'm sorry, okay, I just thought that was better for you. To make you go."

Derek sat back on the bed then, his outburst calming, "Please realise that without you in my life it feels like I don't have air in my lungs, Baby. Please understand that I'm good at putting on a facade, when really I'm dying inside. Please see that." He begged her as he began to cry in front of her, "I just need you to see."

"I see it," Penelope told him weakly, "I see it," She confirmed as he sat back down. Even though it was a weak declaration from her side, she was glad he realised just how much she saw.

She just wished she had more energy to really prove that to him.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	15. All I Can

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Torture is basically an act of inflicting severe pain or suffering upon a person intentionally to gain a confession, obtain information or to punish someone for an act they have committed," Reid stated as the team sat around in the conference room. "We just need to find out which of these Lynch was trying to gain."

It might have only have been a couple of days since they found Penelope, and a day since she had woken up, but the case was still unsolved and Andrew Lynch was still on the run. Meaning that Penelope was unsafe and still had the threat of Lynch's return hanging over her.

"Well from Kevin we can assume it was a doctrine of effects kind of thing," Seaver spoke up, "I mean, he did say he was trying to break Penelope, therefore making it punishment."

Hotch sat silent for a moment, "Maybe, but Kevin also said Andrew was trying to get Penelope to declare her love for his brother."

"It's not uncommon for the reasons of torture to collide, it just means that the torture was of an escalated level," Reid added in as bounced his foot thoughtfully, "Plus, from the evidence we have, to the injuries Penelope has, shows that Andrew knew what he was doing. Some point to punishment, like the use of the heretic forks where he made her physically stop talking, while others, like the flaying of her skin, show that he was trying to draw out a response."

"What if he was just being messy with the torture hoping for the right answers?" JJ asked, feeling herself getting emotional as they relayed the hell Penelope had been subjected to again, "There are no consistencies."

"We don't know that though," Hotch pointed out, "Not without Penelope's recount of what happened, or Andrew for a confession, we don't know how he worked. We can only guess right now."

"Well, we aren't getting Penelope to give us an account in her physical state. The doctor's already told us that pressuring her to tell us will only cause stress upon her body," Rossi finally spoke up, remembering the report the doctor had given them just after Penelope woke up.

"Until we get anything from Penelope, we need to use our only source of information," Hotch said as he stood up, "And that's Lynch. He has to know more than he's letting on. Maybe his brother told him what he had done each day, or if we're lucky, Andrew wrote down what he'd done."

"Something like a diary so he could relieve it?" Rossi asked as he thought about it too.

"Exactly, something that would help him savour the moment and if so, help him understand why Penelope wasn't compliant with what he was doing to her."

"I say we go have a word with Lynch and go from there," Hotch instructed and assigned the team different jobs to help them potentially narrow down finding out what Andrew did to Penelope and whereabouts Andrew was hiding himself.

After all, they all wanted Penelope safer than she was.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I know it's early days, but I think Penelope needs to see a psychiatrist." Kat spoke as Derek came in that morning, "And you really shouldn't be this active." She looked up slightly her files, her pen poised. "I got your file up, that was some damage you did." She read Derek's disbelief and smirked, "After treating your wounds the other day, of course I was going to look you up. It's my job."

"I'll sit down in a moment," He replied with a bit of a laugh, "Is she going to be up for that?" Derek asked back. He meant that several ways, for definite with her health, he had no idea if her body would be able to sustain any more trauma, be it physical or emotion. Also, he didn't know if Penelope was mentally ready to off load on someone she didn't know, seeing as she was struggling with people she did know.

"The sooner she gets talking it out, the sooner she can begin to heal entirely."

Derek nodded, he knew she was right and he pondered on it for a moment, "When will this be?"

"Well our best psychiatrist works on a very strict schedule. He has his own offices, so works from there as well as part as our clinic here," Kat told Derek, "He should be coming down before midday to give Penelope a quick first assessment."

"Can I get a name?" Derek asked, looking away from Penelope, "I just want to get a check done myself. Just to be safe."

Kat could only try to understand coming from Derek's standpoint, and so relented, "Andy Leonards. He's quite well known, well-established. I guarantee that he'll be able to help Penelope get passed this."

"I don't doubt it, but I just like to make sure her recovery is air tight," He said as he noticed Penelope waking up, "She's up," he spoke before heading back in to make sure Penelope wasn't alone. He walked in with a smile for her. "Hey you," He said as he entered and Penelope looked up at him.

Penelope gave him a tired smile, "Hey," She spoke quietly.

Sitting down gingerly, Derek pushed some of Penelope's messy curls out of her face, "How you feeling?"

Penelope shrugged, and brought a hand up to throat, trying to soothe the pain from the wire wound under the bandage, "Had better days," she said despondently.

Taking her hand, aware of her few broken fingers, he was tentative and gentle with her, "Doc wants you to speak to someone, Pen." He said Penelope's eyes lighten with fear, "I know it's scary, but Pen, you need some professional advice to help you make sense of everything."

"I don't," Penelope spoke back defiant.

"You do," Derek argued back, "I want to help you in every way I can, Baby, but I'm limited and my hands are tied. If after speaking to this person one time, you don't feel like it helped then you call the shots and we try another way, but I refuse to let you give into what happened."

Penelope's eyes began to water.

Derek pulled the letter Penelope had written him from his pocket, "I have kept this on me every day to remind me what I nearly lost, and whenever I read it I'm reminded of just what type of woman loves me with her entire heart. This opened my eyes to understand why everything happened the way it did. I just hope that you read this," He said grabbing the letter he wrote, "and see exactly what I see."

"I do," Penelope whispered as tears streamed from her eyes.

"Then please, just talk to someone and get them to help you make sense. That's all I ask of you now," He leant in a little, ignorant of his screaming body. "Please just accept a little additional help and know that I'll do all I can to make this better," Derek promised her, he hated how helpless he felt but he could only ask so much of Penelope.

"I'll talk to someone," she said and closed her eyes, "But only because I want to believe that what's in those is real."

"Oh believe me, Baby Girl, these are more than a little real," He told her, a smile of relief gracing his face.

It wasn't until a couple of hours later, that Derek left Penelope alone for her first consultation that he felt like maybe today would be the real beginning of recovery for Penelope. He sat down next to his mom, Hotch nearby, and waited.

Penelope looked away from the window as the door shut, knowing she had to talk to a stranger to get passed this moment in her life.

Freezing to her spot, terror rose through every cell of her body.

Andrew stood by the door ready to do his _job_.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	16. The Silencing Type

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: Well, FanFiction just told me I have no reviews for Chapter 15, so hence no review replies, but YES I WENT THERE AND ADDED ANOTHER TWIST! =P You all loved it, so mission accomplished I guess! **

**Let's get on with this!**

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"So?" Derek asked the moment the door opened, his body screaming at the exertion he was putting on it yet again, "Is she doing okay?"

Andrew looked at Derek, and his stomach twisted with disgust. The stuff I could do to you, his thoughts screamed. Right in front of him was his own little brother's demise. The reason, in his eyes, that Kevin was locked up in prison, his entire life in tatters. He surveyed Derek, analysing the man that stood before him. There was nothing to like, if anything, Andrew felt sick to even have to keep the pretence up, but he smiled and did so.

The smile he gave was small, and sad, and exuded professionalism and manner, "We started off good, but Penelope slowly shut off. The reason this took longer than anticipated was because I tested Penelope for what I was suspicious of."

"Which was?" Derek asked worriedly, his mom's arm going around his shoulder.

Andrew swallowed, "I'm sorry, but Penelope's suffering the early signs of catatonia." Andrew told them all, and looked at Kat, "We'll get her started on Benzodiazepines, she should become extremely sleepy with it, but it will prevent Penelope from sinking deeper into her catatonic state with muscle rigidity."

"Are you sure that she's catatonic?" Fran asked, something didn't sit right with this. She didn't understand how quickly Penelope could slip.

"It's not unusual for post traumatic stress to be exhibited in ways like catatonia. Was Penelope up to speaking much before I was called?" He asked them.

"One or two word answers most times," Derek chucked, "But I just thought that was because of the drugs she's on for the infections, she's been tired and sleeping frequently. I just thought she was tired," Derek rambled as a hand came up to his head in frustration.

"A patient silencing themselves is a normal defence mechanism and Penelope is not alone in this type of outcome. The trauma her body went through and whatever she experienced would lead to an expected break down merely due its severity." Andrew watched them all intently, "She's in the best place and once we get her started on the right medication you'll see a difference."

"And if this doesn't work?" Derek asked, wanting to see what other courses of action they had.

"There are other methods, different drugs, electro therapy, but I'd rather we didn't get that invasive just yet. For now, I'm confident we're just dealing with getting Penelope to speak."

Hotch felt uneasy for a moment, not wanting to give up hope. "Is there anything we can do?"

Andrew nodded, "Talk to her, just make normal conversation, try and engage her." He advised them carefully and professionally, "Penelope is in there, something might trigger her to open up and when that happens it will be a flood and she'll need a support network around her. She just needs to understand that whatever, and however long this takes, she isn't losing anyone."

"Surely she'll lose faith?" Hotch asked as he crossed his arms over his chest, "I mean, the more we talk, and the less she doesn't, surely she's going to switch off."

"Your connections are all interlinked deeply in the mind. Penelope will understand how important you all are and will make the right decisions. Something will simply switch and this psychosis will just end. We'll just have to wait for that moment, and the effects thereafter."

Derek listened to Andrew, believing every word he spun to them. Derek couldn't believe that Penelope was becoming nothing more than some vessel she was trapped in, not after their chat only an hour earlier. She was ready to get help, to accept professional help to talk this out and now she was closing down. When he thought about what she had been through though, his heart seemed to cease in his chest. He should've seen her downfall happening.

"Could this not be a form of post traumatic stress syndrome though? Not catatonia?" Derek asked, still not wanting to believe that the woman he loved was sinking this fast and this quickly. "I mean she's still really ill, what if once she's finally kicked the infections in her body she might start talking again?"

"It's a chance, sure it is, but after years of diagnosing patients after traumatic events, Penelope is exhibiting signs and symptoms of a catatonic state. Physical and mental states don't always align," Andrew said, he could feel his throat becoming tight as he tried to keep his anger from showing. After all, he had an act to keep up, a facade to win these people over, or enough until Penelope was well and truly finished. "I know it's distressing news, and it's hard to take in, but all Penelope needs now is a family. You do your bit, and you let us do our bit."

Derek, Fran and Hotch all had to accept the new diagnosis and had to stand by Penelope more than ever. They might be powerless to some extent but all was not out of their control, not if they could help it. After all, they knew Penelope most, they knew about her feistiness, about her willpower and stubbornness and they all knew that Penelope was a fighter.

"I need to go into her," Derek said and then broke away from the little gathering. He needed Penelope closer than ever now.

Andrew watched and he felt the fire within him strengthen. He hated the way that Derek was with Penelope, how willing he was to go to her. He despised the pair for getting back to one another when the fun hadn't really begun back at the cabin. He knew now that causing pure physical pain upon Penelope was out of the window, but that didn't stop him from mentally manipulating her to break her in other ways. He smirked a little and wrote out a prescription for Penelope, thinking he was on track again. However, Andrew didn't know the extent in which his own brother had betrayed him to get Penelope help. Something which would be his own downfall to breaking.

Penelope looked at Derek has he came into the room, again giving her a bright smile. She could just see Andrew consulting with her doctor outside and the bile built up in her throat. He had threatened them all, everyone that was close to her. She knew what he was capable off. She believed him when he described in detail what he would do to them all. Derek especially.

She could see how fooled they were by Andrew's disguised, and she was amazed that simple hair style change, a pair of a glasses and moustache could really fool everyone. Only she could see the real Andrew Lynch, to everyone else he was Andy Leonards, the best psychiatrist available. Penelope knew she wouldn't forget the look he held in his eyes whenever he looked at her. A gaze that held such intent, and hate, and worst of all, evil.

Feeling her heart shatter, Penelope closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath and just turned and put her back to Derek.

However ready she was to seek Derek for comfort of her memories, she was more worried about the harsh reality she was in.

She had no choice but to hurt Derek to protect him to the world of pain that Andrew had planned for him.

"Penelope?" He called out confused after watching her turn her back on him. Derek's heart seemed to stop beating then as reality of this new turn of reality finally began to hit home.

Andrew looked in and smiled a little, making sure Kat, nor anyone else, didn't see. Already he had her shutting down. He looked up at Kat then, "I'll be back tomorrow, I'll start psychoanalysis, see if I can trigger a response before the catatonia sets in too much."

"I seriously thought it wouldn't get to that," Kat fretted as she added the new information to Penelope's chart and got Andrew to scribble his signature, "I really thought she could be saved."

"Sometimes it's the initial speaking of it that triggers someone to become catatonic. The moment it all becomes too real. It's not a lost hope, we have a game plan. She'll be back to her old self soon."

"Let's hope so," Kat told him, shot him a somewhat flirtatious smile before going in to check on Penelope's physical recovery. "Same time tomorrow?" She asked suddenly, freezing at the door.

"Maybe a little earlier, I have another patient just before midday."

Kat nodded and entered then, finding a new hostile atmosphere to the room.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	17. Overriding Fear

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_So one minute FF is nice, then it's not, so still no review replies, but THANK YOU all for the reviews =) Hope you enjoy this!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I just don't think she's catatonic," Reid stated, his tone somewhat heated as everyone played about with the turn in Penelope's diagnosis. "I'm sorry, I might not have the job like him, but I've read books, and I've been to seminars on cases like these. Catatonic states do not just set in slowly like this. They're instantaneous."

"So what do we do?" Derek asked, desperate for any form of action.

Reid shook his head and looked at the team then, "I only have one idea, but I think it's best if I go in alone," He pulled a small notebook and pen out of his satchel, both brightly coloured and reminiscent of what Penelope would use. He gave them an awry smile. "I'll explain after." He told them and went towards Penelope's room.

Walking in, he saw Penelope's unmoved pose of staring at one spot on the ceiling. He just edged into the room, hoping his presence would get her to look at him, but the closer he got, the more his hope diminished.

"Penelope," He started and cleared his throat, "I, um, brought you this," He said placing it down on the side of her bed, "Just- just use it whenever." Reid sat down on the side of the bed and took Penelope's hand in his, "I know what he did to you was horrible, Penelope, and I know this is the effect of it, but please come back." He tried his hardest not to come across as desperate, but Reid was, "You were always my strong older sister, Penelope, and I need to believe that I'll have her back." He said and looked down, just missing Penelope's eyes flick towards him. "I've read books on this sort of things, and I feel completely helpless to helping you and all I can think of giving you is a book and a pen. Catatonic patients don't write and here I am giving you the means," he doubted himself, "Maybe I'm not as clever as everyone thinks." Reid stood up then, looked back at Penelope as she seemingly stared blankly ahead. "I'll see you later, Penelope."

Hearing the door click shut Penelope began to cry again, keeping herself silent. She was hurting everyone in the process of letting Andrew win. As the cry rippled through her body she felt her lungs constrict a bit, partly due to her cries, and partly due to the infection gripping them.

She let her hands fall to her side then. Her hand made contact with the book, and Penelope felt a plan begin to form immediately in her head.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

She knew it was sneaky, writing everything that was screaming to be free, while making everyone believe that she was mentally ill, but after just one session with Andrew she knew what his plans were and her doubt and experience overrode her sense of rationality.

Penelope didn't even take into account that the team were professionally trained to deal with men like Andrew. Penelope had even helped track them down, cornered them before the team did the last bit of their jobs.

There was a fear of knowing that eclipsed her senses and made her believe Andrew.

"_I could just imagine Derek, tied, defenceless, as I cut him up. Muscle by muscle to get to his insides," Andrew had told her sickly, "You do know the human body can survive the abdominal cavity being left open before shock really sets in." Andrew had leant in, "I'd make you watch it all, Penelope. Make a real show for you. Whilst making his death a real slow one." _

Penelope had woken midway through the night to that nightmare. Andrew's words spinning into a live mental feed in her mind as she slept. It wasn't the only thing that had woken her during the night either. Penelope knew the exhaustion plying on thickly to her body was doing nothing to help her kick any of her physical problems, but she had fallen victim to nightmares.

"_That Spencer, we'd see how he'd cope with having each bone broken. One by one," Andrew had tortured her with his words, "Much like your bones, remember when I just, well, bent them a little too far, or trod on them?" He asked her rhetorically. "Imagine that happening to Spencer, start at the bottom, work up. Then just cave his head in, break his jaw, his cheek bones and then have a real piece of fun smashing his skull entirely."_

_Andrew licked his lips, "Oh and that JJ, now what could we do with her? That nice device you knew I wouldn't use on you, well we could put it into work with her. Do some real damage to kick start the fun. Then I think burning her would do the job." He leaned in, "Emily's just gotten back hasn't she? So Kevin was telling me. We could brand her even more," He winked at her, letting her know how much he really knew. "Make them deep, like bone deep, and let her just bleed out."_

"_Ashley, well, simple witch test, throw her into the river outside the cabin tied up. If she sinks she's a real human, if she floats she's a witch. Well if she sinks, oops," He laughed then, revelling in the moment of pure terror he was making Penelope feel. "Ahh Rossi, take him limb for limb, literally."_

"_Ahh, and then there's Aaron Hotchner, well seeing as we know flaying is my forte. I did a marvellous job on you," He told her and sat back on the edge of the bed, "Start at the head and just peel his-" he stopped seeing Penelope's face pale further and she looked ready to throw up what little contents she had in her stomach, "It's good the mental image is already getting some momentum." _

_Andrew then went more for Penelope, taking her hand in his. "Then we'd be left with you, Penelope. Back where we started and, well, they'd all be dead around you, so the mental torture of that would be enormous anyway, so everything else would be a bonus." Andrew leant in, sensing the shift in Penelope's body language; he knew she was ready to call for help. "Call them in and tell them, and I will do my utmost to make every single word I said a reality and believe me I would take pure delight in torturing you more with their deaths than your own."_

Those images were ones that Penelope wouldn't be able to shift, but she wasn't going to let Andrew get away scot free with them, she had them written in the book. Every piece of detail was in it, including what had happened to lead to this point and to make up for the bottling, she wrote page after page of what she was feeling inside. Using it as her only source of solace.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Penelope saw Andrew outside her room, and immediately grabbed the notebook and stuffed it under her pillow, hiding it away from plain view. She needed that one little book, she needed it to help her out of this mess or she really would be driven crazy.

Andrew entered the room and shut the door behind him. "I hear your body's not fighting the infections again, Penelope," Andrew said so simply and went over and opened the windows widely, letting in the cold air. "Pneumonia is a pain to kick when you don't have the right room temperature."

Penelope remained silent.

"C'mon Penelope, no silent treatment around me," He said and approached the bed, sitting on it heavily, "I know you're not feeling great and all, but c'mon, we're friends, we should talk." Andrew sat on the bed again heavily, "Am I really having that effect now?"

"You won't break me," She whispered at him, her voice raspy, her emotions rapid. "You can't break me."

Andrew laughed, "Oh believe me, Penelope, I will break you one of these days."

"Not if I don't tell them."

Grabbing her face and pulling her towards him, he felt his teeth grinding together, his neck came tight with dead heated anger, his face reddening with each new pulse of anger. "I will break you, Penelope. You won't know when I'll succeed, but believe me one of these days you'll realise that you were broken long ago."

"And it wasn't by you," Penelope gritted back, trying to forget the pain from her neck and the near enough hole under her chin caused by the heretics fork.

Smirking evilly he threw her back against the pillow, watching the pain ignite across her slashed back from the whippings he had given her in the first day of her captivity. "Who was it then, Penelope? Who broke you? Because it can't have been Kevin, you did that to him remember."

"Derek," Penelope whispered and regretted letting the tears drop down. He was the reason she was truly broken, and all because he had given her his love and she had skipped over the perfect opportunity to take it.

"Right," Andrew said straightening up, "I think we're done for today's session, maybe tomorrow will bring a better breakthrough than that," He optimised putting on his facade of Andy Leonards before leaving the room, and allowing the team to flock again.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	18. Getting Somewhere

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_I feel like I'm losing hours in a day lately! I have next to no time to write anymore! =/ I'm running out of updates for you guys! But do not fret, we have a bit before we reach that point! For now enjoy!_

_Thanks for all the reviews, alerts and favourites, it all means a lot! _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

On the third day, Penelope felt herself weakening even more. She wanted to scream at Derek that she was fine, but even by the mere thought, she was terrified that Andrew would just burst out of the floor like the devil himself and begin to hack Derek apart right in front of her eyes.

So she let him kiss her forehead and promise he'd be back and just allowed Andrew to swan into the room for their third session together.

Closing the door, Andrew looked at her, "Well you are doing some sort of miraculous recovery. Surviving septicaemia so soon is an accomplishment I've got to say," He said and went to Penelope. "Now are we going to have a change of outcome today?"

Penelope, again, didn't speak, but noticed that Andrew's sights were set on something other than her and before she could react he lunged for her pillow and pulled out the note book.

"What's this then?" He said and started to opening it and for once Penelope gave out the most forceful reaction she could muster in that moment.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Derek sat outside the room, his head in his hands, his thoughts only rallying around ways in which he could knock Penelope out of this state of mind. He thought once upon a time he would be able to do it, just by being around, but now it wasn't so easy.

He jolted when he heard the scream of his name and subsequent screaming following it. He ran for the door, the team and his mom following him. He threw the door opened and froze at the scene in front of him.

Andrew was looming over Penelope, holding her by the top of her arm, Penelope's face drawn and fearful.

"Come any closer," Andrew said as he began to push the needle point into Penelope's neck, "And I'll inject her."

Penelope closed her eyes in fear. After letting him have his way with her she hadn't been the slightest bit scared, but right now, with so much more to live for, she was terrified. She whimpered as she felt the needle pierce the top layer of skin.

"Andy," Kat said, edging into the room, her hands up to show she wasn't about to pull any wise moves, "What's happened?"

"Andrew," Was all Penelope whispered to them, her eyes opening to latch onto Derek's, "Lynch."

Derek saw red then; he had willingly let Andrew Lynch into a room with Penelope for three days and had allowed Penelope's torture to escalate right under their noses. Now, looking closer, he saw the Andrew that was in the still shot that they had at work.

"Please," Penelope begged weakly, her tears coming thicker and faster than ever.

Andrew pulled back the needle slightly and ran his hand up Penelope's head and pulled it back, also pulling it up, making Penelope whimper in pain, while making Derek's anger all the more evident. Penelope's hands came up to fight Andrew's grip, but to no prevail.

"Now you fight?" Andrew spat at her, "Now you decide you want me to stop?" He continued and leaned in, "Remember what I told you about them Penelope, what I'd do to them. I can make it a reality."

"No you can't," She told him defiantly and he dropped her down, pushing her as he went.

"We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you," He pointed to Derek, ready to tackle the 6 foot agent regardless of how much anger he was exuding, "Kevin wouldn't be locked away, Penelope would still be one of the best women in my brother's life and everything wouldn't have gotten to this."

"How about we leave Penelope out of this, and go and sort this out," Derek tried; he knew that if he was too brash, if he was too aggressive, then Penelope would get hurt. He had no idea what was in the syringe in Andrew's hand, but he didn't want to find out through Penelope being injected with it. All Derek could do was talk the man down, offer himself and save Penelope the easiest way possible.

"Why should Penelope miss out?" He asked them simply and grabbed her arm pulling her up fiercely, "Doesn't seem very fair, now does it?"

Reid watched as Penelope's face contorted with pain, and he knew everyone was limited with what they did. Move too fast, and risk Penelope's life, move too slow and they still risked Penelope's face. He thought for a moment, looking over the shoulders of his team, his family, he had a clear shot of Penelope, and with it Andrew. Slowly, Reid stepped back and took out his gun and forgot to think; he took a single shot and hoped for the best. Seeing it penetrate just in front of Andrew's temple proved that his spur of the moment shot had worked.

Penelope felt Andrew's heavy body hit her lap and let out a scream. Within seconds, the weight was gone and she felt familiar arms wrap around her and she broke down fully. For the first time since she had woken up she felt willing to break, not scared to do so.

"I've got you Baby Girl," Derek soothed, feeling relief to seeing some emotion from Penelope, "You're safe now. I'm so sorry he got you again."

Commotion took over the room then. Kat ran in to check Andrew over, before giving orders to get security up and the room sorted. She needed to check Penelope over, get her another psych evaluation seeing as the one Andrew had done was bogus and allowed him to exploit his credibility.

Noticing the death grip that Penelope seemed to have on Derek, she knew not to move the pair, but she also knew the hospital room was now a crime scene.

"Derek," She said attentively, and gently. Watching him look up at her she smiled apologetically, "We need to get Penelope settled in another room while this is processed."

"Baby," Derek said after understanding protocol.

"Just don't leave me," She whispered to him and continued to hold on to him.

Derek smiled a little, kissing Penelope's head, "I've got nowhere else to go," he told her back and waited for the orders to be called for Penelope's move. For now he wouldn't let her go.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Sitting alone in a new room, Derek looked at Penelope's finally serene face. He held her hand as he sat on the edge of the bed and revelled in the moment's silence of just having here there with a new outlook.

"How you feeling?" He asked, hopeful that he would get a proper answer.

Penelope looked at him and shrugged like before but gave him a little smile. "I feel like I have the worst flu ever, Handsome, and I feel so stupid."

He frowned, "Why would you feel like that, Princess?"

"For everything that's happened," She began to cry then, showing the full extent of her emotional demise, "It is my fault this all happened," she started and then before Derek could tell her otherwise she continued. "I brought Kevin into our lives, and my need for you in my life, made him shoot you," she paused and tried to gather some composure, "I've never been so scared in my life as I was then. I gave up, I really gave up and because of that Andrew did his worst."

"You beat him, you beat them. We beat them," Derek told her sternly and with pure confidence, "Okay we're where we are right now, but we're here and we beat them both. You shouldn't feel guilty for loving someone, or for needing them, Penelope, because I don't feel guilty for wanting you and I refuse to ever feel like that. What we feel for one another is mutual and natural." He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed her knuckles, smiling as he put her hand back down again, "I love you , Penelope and if you don't believe me now, then believe that I will spend every day making you see otherwise."

"What about Chicago?" Penelope doubted, that one little shadow forever casting her doubts higher. "I know you said otherwise, but that's a clean break, a new life. It's a better job offer."

"Penelope, I only want you by my side," He told her, "I took that job because, for once, I understood what all the commotion about being broken hearten was about. I never want to feel like that again, and when everyone said you had ran my heart broke further."

"So you did think I ran?" Penelope asked and looked away, "I thought Andrew was just playing with me."

"I never did," Derek told her, his tone a little hurt, "The guys were going on facts. Andrew made it look like you had run from us, but I know you, Baby, and I refused to believe that you had run from us. Especially after I read that letter, I was dead certain something had gone wrong."

Penelope felt her lips tremble, "He wanted to break me, Derek." She said looking up, "He could use any of those tools on me, hurt me as much as he liked but I couldn't break. You did that," Penelope admitted, "You told me you loved me, and I walked away from it and the moment I realised I'd done wrong I had lost you already and that broke me. He couldn't break what was already broken."

"Well then it's time we healed you up," He then began to stand, "You look worn out, I think you need some sleep." He turned to pull the chair towards the bed when Penelope stopped him.

"Derek," she said softly and he turned to her, "Can you just hold me?" She asked him warily, cautious of his own injuries, "I just forgot what it felt like to be held properly." The tears began to drag down her face again, "It's gotten really lonely over the last couple of months without you." She dropped her vision to her lap as the tears began to attack. She quickly tried to wipe the tears away, but Derek sat on the bed with her, quickly getting them both comfortable before holding her until she ended up crying herself to sleep.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	19. A Great Escape

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_So yes, Andrew is dead, and Kevin is in jail... now onwards (and upwards!) =P ENJOY!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Considering your lack of rest, I'd say you're healing quickly and perfectly," Kat told Derek a week later as he sat in Penelope's room, having refused to leave to have his check up done anywhere else.

"He always was a hard head," Penelope spoke up. She had just been laying there, doing nothing but watching the pair.

Derek laughed and looked at her, "Coming from you?" He asked her and she smiled tiredly at him, "You'll be trying to get back to work this time next week. I'm actually surprised you're not doing that now, Baby Girl."

"And if she does that, she'll have me to answer to," Kat told them both as she went for Penelope's chart again. "How you feeling today? Any better at all?"

"What constitutes better?" Penelope asked feebly as she shifted onto her back, "My chest feels looser, deep breaths don't hurt so much, but I don't really feel any better apart from that."

Kat smiled lightly, "The fact you're chest is looser means you're finally shifting that infection which is what we wanted to see a few days ago, so seeing it at long last is a major improvement." Kat optimised then looked Penelope dead in the eyes, "How are you coping with the new psych sessions?" She asked concerned. It might have been a week, but a lot had changed in the way the hospital ran. Kat made sure that Penelope's door was never closed, or if it was, that the blinds were opened to allow a sense of security. One which Penelope had asked for.

Penelope ran a hand over her head, "It's better than it was," She told them both and looked at Kat, "It's just going to take a while. Taking it day by day for now."

"You've got a good support around you," Kat said as she put the chart on the end of the bed, "I'm going to go and get your next round of meds, then it's just more rest for you."

Penelope watched Kat leave before looking at Derek, "Steven said something today," Penelope opened up about her session from earlier, "about maybe moving away. Taking a fresh start." She saw Derek's face draw with fear and anger, "He didn't mean me on my own." She continued and then looked at him intently, keeping calm while Derek's expression became more and more agitated. "He mentioned that I could go with you to Chicago. That we start from the beginning again, especially after everything that's happened."

"Is that what you want?"

"I don't know," Penelope told him truthfully, "Yes, maybe," she put her hands up in the air. "Could it be that simple to just walk away?"

Derek smiled at her, "Whatever we do together is simple."

"What about the team?" Penelope fretted; she couldn't deny the fact that leaving had entered her mind on more than one occasion. Just the mere thought of taking a great escape with Derek was something that seemed almost exhilarating after the last couple of months. "What about them?"

"They want what's best for you," Derek told her as he moved closer, "If you feel like you need a break, be it a couple of months, or years, whatever, they'll be there to support you. I will be there."

Penelope smiled at him, "I think you need to take that job in Chicago then," Penelope finalised, "I just, I don't know, I feel like getting away is the only way I can move on from this."

"I'll strike a deal," Derek began, "How about we say, you and I leave and you use my probation period to get you to rest up and heal and come the end of it, we decide what our next game plan is. Only then do we decide if we want to move back, or make a life there, or elsewhere. How does that sound?"

Feeling her eyes watering, Penelope smiled a little more, "What if you don't want to move back by that time and I do, or you do and I don't. That's over six months away, a lot can happen."

"Then a lot happens," Derek finalised and kissed her, "I said that whatever I do in the future will be done with you by my side, Baby Girl, and I will stand by that, today, tomorrow, and forever."

"Don't want to interrupt but we need to run like clockwork in this place, so..." Kat said disturbing the pair and came into the room fully, "Here's your meds, Penelope," Kat said and then turned to Derek, "Taken yours?" She asked Derek.

Derek put his hand in his pocket then pulled the pot of pills out and shook them in the air, "Freshly taken," Derek told her and shot her a smile and quick wink.

"If I find out you're lying, Derek..." Kat said as she left the pair alone again, leaving Derek laughing and Penelope looking on somewhat amused.

"Ummm," Penelope said as she swallowed her last pill and shot Derek a serious look, "you lied," Penelope pointed out jokingly and shot him a weak teasing look, "Bad boy."

Derek chuckled, "She doesn't need to know I've been skipping my midday pill." He told her teasingly and finally took the pill he kept forgetting about. Taking a gulp of water he swallowed the pill and looked at her, "I'm glad you're finding this amusing."

"I never could forget how much you hate pills. Big SSA Morgan beaten by one little tablet."

"Like this is a one way thing, Sweet Thing," Derek teased her and waggled an eyebrow at her, "Seem to forget I was the one almost forcing them down your throat when you were shot."

"You should take that as a lesson to you then," Penelope told him and then turned, her back still extremely tender, but she had to get comfortable. She gritted her teeth as Derek helped loosen the sheets and helped as much as he could, "I can see this is going to be a slow couple of weeks."

Derek put the sheets back over her properly and went to sit in the chair on the other side of the bed. Sitting down he noticed Penelope was now calmer and she smiled as he sat down, "By the looks of it, you'll be sleeping the next couple of weeks away."

"I think you might be right," Penelope said as the exhaustion began to claim her again and she simply put her hand out for him to take, which he took instantly.

He watched her grow sleepier and just allowed her to succumb to the rest. Derek would be forever grateful for being offered a second chance to make right on what had gone so horribly wrong. He could finally have her and love her and know it was supposed to be that way. He was under full understanding now why she had rejected him at first. Fear had driven her away from him, had made her run, and ultimately had turned their life into somewhat of a nightmare.

Now, however, everything was on the table. They both knew they were in love and with each other and they both understood that living without one another was no longer an option.

Sitting there, in the almost silence, he thought about her questioning a move. He didn't expect her to tell him she wanted to go with him and he certainly didn't expect her to still fret over it. Thinking about the plan ahead he realised they could make it work and still come back to their family. They knew recovery for Penelope was going to take a while, in which time, Derek would be healed and allowed back on the field. Penelope had given him the opportunity to experience life back in Chicago and have her where he had begged her to be.

He was getting the best of every world. He was getting his mom close, a life in Chicago and Penelope.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	20. What Needs To Be Done

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_Thanks for the reviews guys!_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"M-Maybe this wasn't a good idea," Penelope finally spoke up above the noise that everyone had broken into. It had taken Derek to tell everyone the plan and for the debate of mind changing to begin. "I mean, Derek," She looked at him, difficult tears spreading in her eyes and long her lashes like wild fire, "It will be good for you," she pushed him and looked down as the first tear fell. "It was stupid to think that leaving would work."

"I think Penelope has a right to make a move like this," Rossi stepped in, backing Penelope and Derek's life choices firmly already. "They're their own persons and, after everything, I think they deserve a change of scenery more than anyone else."

"Really," Penelope said and wiped the tears away, "If it's going to tear us apart I won't go." She then sniffed and began to turn onto her side, "I think I might sleep, I'm quite tired."

"Pen," JJ said and she stepped towards the end of the bed, trying to get a better response.

"Really," Penelope said and wiped her face, "I'm just really tired, so please..." She trailed off as she closed her eyes to stop the influx of tears. She thought this would be simpler than it was, but it seemed to be becoming a bad idea by the second.

"It was suggested to Penelope, by Steven, that getting away, starting anew would help her, would make what happened to her a lot easier to cope with..."

"Derek..." Penelope spoke up as she turned back to them.

Derek simply waved his hand at her, to quieten her, "Pen has suffered so much, that I made her believe that you would all be okay with this, and here you are making her feel like she has to stay put to keep our family together. Since when do we work like that?" He asked them and took in their guilt. "We all love Penelope, and we all want to see her get better, but we need to take into account that being here, maybe just isn't going to allow that."

"We just want to help her," JJ said feebly, her eyes latching on with Penelope's, "I'm sorry Garcie."

"We were thinking, maybe using my probation period at the Chicago base as time for Pen to heal completely. It's not so simple to walk away from a job once you've sorted it, especially when Strauss has you head hunted. I was going to try and find a way out of it, but now I see an opportunity. One that has benefits for Penelope too. I promised Pen, that I would help her through this, and if that requires me to walk to the ends of this earth then so be it. Anything would be worth it. So just look at it like this, we get away for a bit, make a start on what led us there and then we suss out how the future looks. Just think about Penelope here."

Even without liking it, the team accepted it. Penelope was in a fragile place at that moment and needed support, not neglect.

Chicago wasn't the other side of the world after all.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"So Chicago?" Fran asked as she sat on the bed, "Sure you'll be up for that?"

Penelope looked at Fran, "I think I'll be ready for anything as long as Derek's there." She smiled as she almost mused about that sentence, "I'm sorry for all this, Fran." Penelope apologised, she knew that Derek's mom had an issue with Derek being so far away and getting hurt as it was, "He got hurt because of me."

"Penelope, dear, you can't keep going on this blame game."

"I know, I know I can't, but the thing is, Kevin was in our lives because of me. He was my boyfriend and he shot Derek, to buy me more time, because Derek was ruining things. Kevin shot Derek to give me time to make sure Derek didn't mess up anymore. That makes it my fault."

"So was it your fault that Kevin's brother took you and did every unnameable thing imaginable?" Fran asked Penelope and saw her deliberate it, "No it wasn't. Okay so you're a part of it, but Kevin isn't the first man whose girlfriend has fallen in love with someone else and none of them wound up using a gun, Penelope. Kevin opted for that route, as did his brother."

"I want to stop feeling so guilty," Penelope said as she began to cry, "I try, and try, but I see Derek in pain and I remember him lying on the floor and all I could do was beg him not to leave me. Fran, I gave up so much that night. I even walked away from the man I'm in love with because I thought it was for the best. I didn't want my life to end up like this. I was never meant to fall in love."

"But you did," Fran told Penelope as she held her hand in hers and ran her thumb along it soothingly, "The heart gets what the heart wants. You and Derek have been fighting this, and I'm sure the moment you give your all to Derek, the very moment you confess everything to him you'll stop feeling so guilty. I know it's in a letter, but writing it and saying it, as are two totally different things and believe me, you'll feel so much better once you do just that."

Penelope smiled a watery smile, "I know you didn't plan this, but thank you."

"We all need our mom sometimes, Penelope, you just shouldn't have been afraid to pick up the phone before letting months of isolation come between the pair of you." Fran said and took Penelope in her arms, giving her a gentle motherly hug, "I would've hit your heads together."

Penelope laughed through her tears at that, knowing it could've been that simple once upon a time.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Watching him, Penelope smirked at his obliviousness to her attention.

"We need to talk," She spoke softly into the air and suddenly Derek's attention caught hers and he became alert and leaned in, taking her hand in his, awaiting the news warily. "Do you understand how much I love you?" She asked as Derek rose from his seat and perched on the side of the bed.

"That letter said more than it needed to," Derek said and slowly rose his hand to her cheek, allowing her to fall against it.

Penelope leaned into his palm, the tears falling down already at the awaiting emotions running rapid and wild, "I really have missed you," she said, meaning more to the months prior than the last week or so. "I didn't think it was ever possible to love someone so much and I really thought that it had to take you getting shot to finalise that." Penelope pulled away, taking his hand in hers and kissed the back of it, "I never wanted to fall in love with you because I felt like it was wrong, that it would end in heart break sooner rather than later and that scared me. Yet instead of ignoring you that way, I just fell further in love with you."

Derek smiled at her, "You will never know how badly I regret us getting to this point the way we did. You didn't deserve the cold shoulder, nor did you ever deserve what Andrew did, but I can't change that. However much that hurts me and makes me powerless, I can only make this better. I can only change the here and now." Derek told her confidently, "And baby, I have so many plans for us. I just need to know that you're ready for them to begin."

"I'm ready, if you're ready for _my_ plans to begin, Handsome," Penelope asked him back, a new glint in her eyes.

They both knew their recoveries were only taking an entirely new turn from there.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	21. Reasons To Love

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_Okay, so in reality this is coming to an end... partly because the story is going that way and partly because the muse has run for the summer! You never know what might happen! _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Whatcha reading, Baby Girl?" Derek asked as he stood in the doorway, holding a smile after watching her just sit there reading.

Penelope looked up and smiled, "Just horoscopes." She muttered and placed the magazine down on her stomach, "Yes, my life has downgraded to that."

Chuckling, Derek went over to her and sat down, "So what's today's say?"

"Let's see," Penelope said picking up the magazine, "Oh would you look at that," she said teasingly, "You will get the best kiss of your life today."

Giving her a wink, Derek leaned in then and kissed her heavily and greedily. He felt her hand come up to keep the kiss going for a moment longer, before he pulled away and watched her. Her eyes closed, he watched her lick her lips in satisfaction.

"Best ever," She whispered, her lips bruised from the kiss and she smiled as she let her eyes open and Derek relaxed, putting his arm over her lap and holding himself up over her. "I don't regret anything that happened, Derek. You do know that right?"

Nodding, Derek brought a hand up to cradle the side of her face, "I told you we'd get through it all, as long as we had one another." He told her, his tone holding the truth vigilantly, "I promised you that, and I'm going to make a new promise to you."

"Oh yeah?" She queried, one of her eyebrows going up questioningly. "What would that be?"

"To cherish you and thank God for giving me you every day that I'm alive," He spoke gently, but confidence exuded from him. "I know what I want in my life more now than I ever did and, Baby, you best believe they involve a big ring and you."

Blushing, Penelope felt like all words were taken from her. She had no way to communicate but to gawp at Derek in shock.

"Don't give me that look like you didn't think it was going to happen, Sweetness," Derek told her and gave her one of his killer smiles. "We don't go through what we did, love letters and near deaths for us to just coexist. We've always been bound by some force, and we ignored it. If we carry on being ignorant we might not get a second chance like we did here."

"I think we passed second chances the amount of times you've taken on an Unsub," Penelope finally spoke up and gave him a look of sarcasm.

"Okay, but one day, Princess, we're going to run out of chances. I refuse to get to that point. I don't want to hang around waiting for the right moment. Only we make those."

"Then promise me one day I can marry you and have that happily ending you promised me in that letter." Was all she seemed to ask of him, "Make that future with me that you want."

"One day, I will marry you, Penelope Garcia and it will be the best day of your life." Derek told her and kissed her again, the culminating emotion and passion pouring out into that one motion. Derek showed her the promise of the words and finally locked his heart away with her keeping.

Separating, Derek moved to sit next to her, needing to feel her next to him. He got under the quilts fully dressed and just settled down. "This is perfect," He said, sleep already capturing him.

Smiling, Penelope took his hand as she settled down again, ignoring the magazine completely now, "Long day?"

"Too long," He said as he turned to face her, "It's not Quantico," He said with his eyes closed, his tone slipping more and more. "I think I'm just gonna rest my head here a while," Derek mumbled as he felt his exhaustion claim him.

Penelope kissed the side of his head as he lay it on her gently and she smiled as she felt him get heavier. She would die to get this domestic bliss to last forever.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I fall asleep, and wake up to find you gone," Derek said as he came into the kitchen and placed his arms around Penelope's waist as she stood sorting out vegetables, "You shouldn't be cooking."

"I'm healing," Penelope told him back as he kissed into her neck, "Not a complete invalid." She said and shifted in his arms, "Today is showing progress, believe me."

"But this will just pull you right back," Derek responded truthfully.

"Handsome, I've been laid up for over two weeks here now, today; I've been in isolation, all on my own, for like three hours. There is only so much daytime TV a girl can watch while waiting on an Adonis to come home to her."

Laughing, Derek pulled her in and gave her a kiss, "I really fancy take out tonight, Sweet Thing. That way I get to just lap up more time with you." He heard her giggle a little as a yawn took over.

"Aww is my baby boy still tired?" She said putting her arms around his neck.

"Tired is an understatement, believe me." Derek replied and pulled her over to the couch, "But tomorrow we have your check up to see how well you're finally healing and the rest of the day's ours. So today I want to rest up with you, have a few cuddles, some kisses."

Penelope smiled, although not entirely convincingly. Sure Derek's new job was opening up new routes for him. However, he was working worse shifts, if that was possible, and was only tiring out. With that said, she loved having a fresh start and she could feel herself healing from what had happened. Hers and Derek's relationship had definitely mended over the passing weeks and they had become closer than ever.

All Penelope knew was that whatever happened at the end of Derek's probation period would be right for the pair of them. Whether it be staying or going back.

Sitting down, and snuggling close, Derek kissed her temple, "You know it's going to be fine. You have nothing to be worried about."

Penelope shifted then and looked up at him, "What about the scars?" She asked him lowly, "I can't hide from the fact that what he did left more than subtle reminders."

"Let's not call them scars, Baby."

"Then what do we call them, Derek? Because whatever way you paint them they're still scars."

Lifting her chin to make her look at him before he spoke, he waited for their eye contact to connect. "They're war wounds. Signs of what you survived, that whatever he inflicted or tried, you were the one that beat him."He saw her eyes water and her lips go to doubt him. "And," he started, "they show the start of us. Each of those were brought about as a result of both of us. Andrew said it himself. He was trying to break you to tell him what I had that made you love me. Well it was courage, and survival, and bravery, and love. I'll look at each and every one of those and understand just how much I am loved by you. I will never forget how deep in your veins I am ever again"

Penelope felt the tears course down her face then.

"So you see, you could never be scarred by what he did to you. That's an ugly word for you, and you're too far off of that to be associated in any form." He wiped the tear away and smiled gently, "You're too beautiful."

Penelope gave him a watery smile, her tears glistening with thicker tears, "Remind me again why I keep you around?"

"Simple," Derek whispered and kissed her gently this time. Pulling apart he put his forehead to hers and stole her gaze, "Because I am madly, deeply and truly in love with you, Penelope."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	22. Doing Right By You

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N:**_ All in all there's only one more chapter after one =) Quite sad to see this one end! But enjoy and apologises for the slightly late posting, I got a little caught up yesterday ;) lol _

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Derek stood looking out of the window at the Chicago street below and sighed. Penelope had been watching him for a while. He had been standing for a while, one arm up on the window frame, his body still, his shoulders held tensely.

"Whatever you decide is nothing for you to regret," Penelope spoke as she pushed herself up in the bed.

Derek turned around to face her.

"What do I decide?" He asked her, somewhat lost in the moment. It was decision day, dubbed D-day on the calendar, and Derek had no idea what he wanted to do. He was torn between two homes. "This needs to be the right decision for us both, Baby Girl. I'm just scared to mess this up for you."

Penelope smiled at him, "Nearly eight months ago, when I was in one of the darkest places a man said to me that if there was one thing he was going to do in his life, it was me with him. So you can do this, you can decide, and whatever you won't mess this up. I'll be backing whatever decision."

"You remembered?" Derek asked her choked by the memory.

Penelope brought a hand up to his face, "Course I remembered it, Handsome. So know that if you decide it's times to go back, then I'll take that leap, but if, by some chance, being here in Chicago is where you want to be. Well, I'll still be here too."

"I want to do what's right by you so badly," Derek said almost mournfully.

"Derek, I have a life in both places now, much like you. I have a family here and there, like you. Either decision will be right." She leaned in then, a small smile still on her lips, "What does your gut say?" Penelope watched him hesitate, "Why are you scared?" She asked him, sensing his discomfort.

Looking into her eyes, he sighed, "I don't want to unmask everything you've recovered from, everything you've gotten over."

Smiling tearfully then, Penelope just shook her head slightly, "What Andrew and Kevin did is in the past. I refuse to let them ruin my future. To let them have any more power over either of us. I have you, and that's all I need to help me forget about them." Penelope leaned in, almost sitting on his lap, "So what does your gut say?" She repeated the original question.

Not hesitating, he replied, "Let's go back. Let's go home."

Penelope could help but smile. She always thought Chicago was his home, that was where he always wanted to be, but right here, right now, he was telling her that he was ready to go back.

"I have one favour," Penelope spoke up then, "Just one little ultimatum."

Derek swallowed hard, his throat all of a sudden dry, "W-what?"

Penelope smiled to hide the laugh she wanted to release at Derek's sudden nervous outbreak, "We keep a place in Chicago, so we can come home whenever we get a chance to."

"Baby," Derek started doubtingly, "Home? Do you not want to leave?"

"I do, believe me, but," she paused for a moment, "this is home too. We have memories here too now," she grinned devilishly at him, "Oh and believe some of those are the most amazing memories possible."

Derek chuckled at her then, "There's many more where those came from."

"Oh believe me, Baby Boy, there's still decades of them to be made." Penelope managed as Derek pushed her back down against the pillow and mattress and began to ply her soft skin with kisses.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"I knew you'd make the right decision," Fran said as Penelope passed her a cup of coffee, thanking her she put her hands around the cup. She took in her son's shocked face, "I love having you home, but you flew the nest years ago Derek, you made up a new home."

"So you're not upset about it?" He asked worriedly, "I know you've loved having me home."

Fran nodded and smiled, "I've loved having you both home, but I will support you whatever, you know that. I couldn't be upset if my son's happy."

Penelope bumped her shoulder into her Derek's, "See Handsome, I knew your momma wouldn't be angry with you."

"Is that what you thought?" Fran asked Derek and watched him nod his head, "Derek, you made a new home; I can't suffocate you and make you stay. You're coming up forty, if I can't let you go now, I never will. Plus, I let you go when you went to Quantico following your dream."

Penelope felt herself begin to get tearful and then excused herself for a moment. She took herself up to the master bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed silently. However much she loved that she had found a mother in Fran, she hated that she no longer had her own mom who would be there to second her decisions. It took her a few moments to really see what her life had become, to really just take in what she still had and what she had lost over the years.

"Pen?" Derek asked as he walked into the room, having left his mom downstairs to check on Penelope. "What's up, Baby Girl?"

Penelope looked at him and smiled, "Nothing."

Sitting down with her, he took her hand in his, "Saying it's nothing, makes it something. Now spill it..."

Sighing, Penelope turned a little to him, and dropped her gaze, "I just loved having a mom back," Penelope told him honestly, "That's all. I just don't want to lose that again."

Derek's heart stopped for a moment then and he looked at Penelope's downtrodden expression. He understood straight away what she was getting at. "You do realise, that you can live worlds apart and you'll still be her daughter right?"

Penelope looked at him doubtfully, not quite able to believe it was that easy.

"Baby, I've lived states away from my mom, and she's only ever been that. She doesn't change because I'm there and she's here."

"I just got a mom back though," Penelope admitted feebly, "It's been amazing having her around. She's been one of the reasons that the last couple of months have been easy. Derek, I felt like I've been part of a family again and I loved it. I had someone that called me her daughter and I get it, we're old enough to live without a mom, but I guess, I got comfortable with the idea of having a mom just around the corner. It's stupid."

Derek lifted Penelope's face to look at him and he smiled softly at her, "Not stupid." He told her and wiped the tear that was crawling down her cheek, "Baby, you found a proper family after you lost yours. I get that you don't want to walk away, but believe me when I say this, they will be there whatever and wherever."

"Okay," Penelope nodded and sucked in a deep calming breath.

"You seemed to forget about the family we have waiting for us back in Virginia too," Derek reminded her, "They still want you. I still want you, and the Morgan family will want you forever more." He then gave her a gentle kiss, "Plus, they'll want you even more if you put this on," Derek spoke in a near whisper and reached into his back pocket to pull out the small blue velvet box.

"Derek," Penelope gasped as she backed away from him for a moment, "W-wha-"

"I said I wanted to marry you, have been telling you that for the last eight months, Baby, and now I'm finally making that promise a reality." He stood then, before getting down on one knee, "I knew one day I was going to marry you, I just never expected it to be like this. I expected candles, and roses, and the best restaurant possible, but I can't wait. Penelope, will you marry me?"

Penelope stared down at the ring, then back to Derek's face. She was stunned, and she felt like she had waited an eternity for this moment. She started to nod before she even realised she had commanded herself to do so. "Yes," she uttered in a breath, "Oh God yes. Yes!" She said and then flung her arms around him, kissing him.

"Thank you," Derek whispered back, "God I love you." He told her and finally saw that even the shooting and kidnapping had a pure reason.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


	23. Where We Belong

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the triumph of this plot bunny! **

**A/N: **_So the end is here guys! Thanks for loving this as much as you did and I hope you like the last chapter =)_

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Waking up in their new house that morning was a weird experience, but Penelope thought nothing could feel weirder in one day. The steps towards the entrance of the Bureau made her heart start pumping away fiercely in her chest. It made her realise that this day was going to get weirder and weirder.

However, she kept her head high. Knowing she had Derek by her side was enough sanity than anything else in that moment.

Derek could feel Penelope's palm getting sweaty and he took a look at her, waiting for the others in the elevator to either leave for their floors or for them to get off so they could have a few seconds alone before they were joined with the team.

Finding it was having to wait until their floor, Derek shook her hand and offered her a smile. He then walked off onto their floor, never releasing her hand and then turned her to look at him. Immediately he felt an involuntary frown take over his calm expression.

"Maybe coming home wasn't a good idea," Derek said as he inspected Penelope's paled exhausted eyes. "The nightmares are back."

Penelope looked into Derek's eyes, "The nightmares never left, Handsome and this is our first week back here. It's a lot to take in." She calmed him some, "It's been over eight months, it's a shock."

Watching her, Derek thought for a moment and frowned, "You know what?" He asked her, "You have nothing to be scared about. This is our home, and I refuse to allow what happened all those months ago to take that from us. This will always be our home, the place we found one another."

Smiling, Penelope tilted her head as he went on his mini speech. "See, that's what I need right now. We've lived in bliss in Chicago, and we chose to bring it back here, so that's the plan." She winked at him, "So we're going to reclaim our place here as the flirtatious pair of the team and we're going to lap it up." She smirked at him then, "Just this time, Handsome, there are no boundaries to what we say or _do_." She then reached up and kissed him.

Hearing a cough, Penelope dropped back to earth and fell against his chest, his jacket held in her clutches and she looked at Hotch. She could feel the blush burning her cheeks quickly and she bit her lip.

"Not the welcome we usually get in a place like this," Hotch commented as he walked towards them. "But it's one that offers a bit of a promise in our jobs." He gave them a small smile, a Hotch perfected gesture and approached more, "Welcome back the pair of you."

"Nice to be back, Hotch," Derek said as Hotch put his hand out to shake his.

Penelope offered Hotch a bright smile as he turned to her, "You sure you want us back?" She asked as she just engulfed him in a hug, awkward or not she had missed her boss.

"Believe me, we never knew what we had lost until you were gone. You're all important to our team."

"You just couldn't get a tech bold enough to dig did you?" Penelope questioned knowingly.

"Let's just say they weren't quite up to previous standards that were set," Hotch replied and gave Penelope a look that told her he was more than a little grateful for them coming back. "Eight months though, you sure you're ready for this?"

Penelope exchanged looked with Derek, "I've been jobless for eight months, Boss Man. There's only so much a girl can do with her day. I'm more than ready to reclaim my throne."

"Then I guess I have to go and dismiss the new stand in tech." Hotch told them and watched Penelope's expression, "You were on medical leave, Penelope. It's always been your office. No one else's."

"I understand that, Boss Man, but I feel like I'm just coming in staking claim. Kinder taking liberties, is it not?" Penelope questioned.

"I don't want to hear it. I know how to make this team work even if Strauss disagrees, but I do. I need you as our tech and maybe she might see a different rate in the cases being solved now that you two are back."

"Don't argue with the man, Baby. Just take your little lair back and please, be the best damn tech this FBI has ever seen again." Derek said as he put his arm around her back, "This is home."

Penelope smiled at him now, "Oh you are worth keeping around just for your motivational speeches, Hot Stuff." Penelope commented making him laugh. She looked to Hotch, "Okay, the oracle of all that is known and unknown is back!"

"Definitely worth the wait," Hotch complimented his tech. "Morgan, your desk is still the same. It's good to have you both back, but I think we could drag the others out for a lunch. I think we have reasons to celebrate." He turned to go back to the bullpen, seeing JJ storming towards them all, he then looked back. "I don't mean you returning to work either." He said and looked at the ring on Penelope's finger.

"You're home?" Came JJ's voice, somewhat excited whilst trying not to be unprofessional as she made it into the corridor.

"We're apparently just leaving, Jayje," Penelope threw in, watching confusion cast upon her blonde friend's face. "We going out for lunch and I do believe it's on the two boss men," she said and winked at them.

"Back five minutes, Kitten, and already striking demands left, right and centre I see," Rossi picked out and smirked.

"Chicago didn't change her," Derek commented and Penelope swatted his arm.

"No but it did change your marital status obviously," Emily said approaching and taking her hand away from Derek's chest. "That is some rock!" She exclaimed as JJ swarmed in, "Lunch is on you two," She looked back and smirked.

"They are just back and newly engaged," JJ added on.

"Hardly seems fair them paying for it all," Reid chucked on, trying to keep the excitement at having them both back from overtaking him.

Derek smirked them, "Good point Pretty Boy, you can chip in," he told him with a wink. "Can we just move this party in there, rather than keep it out here?" He asked and everyone agreed and turned to move back into the bullpen and up to the conference room.

Rossi looked at Hotch and smiled, "Seems old times are upon us." He said and walked after the others.

Nodding, Hotch smiled, "I do believe we are a team again," Hotch said following everyone back into the bullpen.

His team exactly how it should be.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

**The End**

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- If It Hadn't Been For Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**


End file.
